Popular Misconceptions Vol. 1

Considering the fact that this blog is titled, “Humor Me,” it’s obvious it’s self-serving and indulgent, but occasionally I try to give back. That’s why I’m taking the time to debunk a few popular ideas that have gained traction despite being nothing more than mere myths and Hollywood hokum.

 

Single, vulnerable women attend weddings

Wedding Crashers misled an entire generation of young men who were shown a magical world where women are so emotionally charged by the public display of eternal love that they were nothing more than fresh fruit at a farmer’s market. This is patently untrue and I’ve thought about filing a class action lawsuit against them. Normal people go to weddings and normal women do not want some sauced up stranger clawing at them. Also, women rarely have trouble convincing a “Friend-zoned” guy to accompanying them to a wedding so they can avoid this situation. Like a creep force field.

 

I should’ve known, everything that comes out of their mouths are lies!

This is not to say wedding hookups don’t happen, of course they do. It’s just not some singles meat market as Hollywood portrays it. Personally, I love weddings as they are – as long it isn’t my wedding. It’s an opportunity to hang out with your best friends, eat good food, dance, and most importantly, get drunk in a suit, which doesn’t happen often enough in my life.

 

What can I say? I make this look good

Weddings are many things, but they are not a real life version of Tinder – they’re more like a going away party for your friends, or the end of the book The Giver, bittersweet.

 

Live Sporting Events are Awesome

Getting ready to go see your favorite sports team play their hated rival with a few good friends? It sounds like a ton of fun, but every time you get there you realize you’ve been duped. Live sporting events mean shoveling over a boatload of cash to go watch a bunch of maniacs chase a ball around in matching outfits. And there’s a good chance they’re going to lose, which will leave you feeling upset and cheated for handing over your paycheck to them.

 

You think that’s bad, Lot 1 only accepts credit cards

I’m all for hanging outdoors with friends, but not when just parking your car costs what a 5-star dinner should cost, which is nothing compared to the cost of actual food and drink inside the stadium. Then you throw in all the traffic to and from the game, inclement weather, and the obnoxious drunk guy you undoubtedly will end up seated next to who’s trying to organize chants to boost the multimillionaires’ spirits on the field and you’ve got a recipe for disappointment. Your only opportunity to enjoy the game is to become that obnoxiously drunk guy.

 

How someone gets drunk on $10 beers is still a mystery to me

If only there was an alternative… like watching it at someone’s house where there are affordable snacks and beverages, air conditioning, comfortable seating, DVR, and bathrooms not layered in a slimy filth reminiscent of a sewer. Or maybe a bar, which gives you all the camaraderie of a live sporting event with all the comforts of a sports bar. They have TVs in the bathroom now so your argument is invalid.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, this is progress

Childhood was better/adulthood stinks

Wrong. So wrong and I don’t know how this concept has gained so much momentum. All these “90s kids know…” lists are destroying our minds. First of all, we’re only like 10-15 years removed from childhood so it’s too fresh in our minds to properly appreciate the simplicity of childhood. Secondly, being an adult is awesome if you do it right, which means, avoiding Oops Babies, or hanging it up too early via marriage.

 

Of course I still draw these. Not because I miss the 90s, but because I’m consistent

As an adult, you get your own apartment with whomever you want. This could be the love of your life or your best friends. Playing video games, staying up all night, and eating chips and salsa for dinner with no one to answer to. It’s like college except there’s no homework and you have a job that may even pay you well.

 

Maybe you still steal your toilet paper from places, but you get the point

Childhood? Sure you don’t have to go to work, unless you’re reading this in Southeast Asia, but you do have a curfew, vegetables, school, and my least favorite, losing your teeth. If you’ve changed this into a nostalgic memory, let me debunk that as well. This is when pieces of your bones quite literally fall out of your face. Sounds like something from a horror movie, which is why we have to bribe kids with money to take their minds off it. Or how about that awkward 10-year period called puberty – packed with pimples, cracking voices, and raging hormones (Sweatpants). Looking back, I’m just glad I survived that struggle.

 

Ahhhh Middle School

Now that we’ve got that cleared up we can go back to taking those quizzes that tell us which fast food spokesperson you would be.

 

I hate to break it to you, but we’re all Grimace