Serves You Right To Suffer

Someone of high standing, or a least pop culture relevance, has been allegedly exposed and thusly shamed. Sound vague enough that could be any number of people? Yes. I’m actually referring to Jared of Subway fame. Who is now Jared of Subway ignominy.

Jared from Subway

The first ingredient in Subway’s bread is Jared’s discarded pants

If you’ve been living under a Subway $5 Footlong, a house owned by Jared was raided and searched by the FBI for potential child pornography. He’s the latest in an endless stream of celebrities and personalities to be publicly humiliated by their private life. We’ve enjoyed seeing a man who seemingly had it all: an award-winning smile, a harem of oversized pants, and an endless supply of subs, become a villain of meaty proportions. It was like someone had read my dream journal. He had the life I wanted, mainly the access to unlimited long sandwiches with an assortment of meats, cheeses, and toppings.

He threw it all away for the sake of (possibly) viewing underage kids performing lewd acts. And we’re thrilled about it. Why?

Because he seemingly had it all, and now he’s down here with the rest of us. Forget the fact that he’s a regular human being or worse, a man forever indebted to a sandwich chain that probably had an alarming amount of control over his life. But for heaven’s sake, he was on TV and people recognized him, which is why we savor his downfall like a delicious Chicken Teriyaki.

We love to see people who are doing better than us suffer, because it reminds us that they too have problems and shortcomings, and we love that. What I mean is that on TV he seems like a great guy who smiles all the time and is proud that he was able to achieve something that many Americans can’t—sustained weight loss in a healthy manner. So when something came along that could corrupt his achievement, we burned him like a garlic parmesan roll in that mysterious toaster garage Subway has.

Just as appetizing as it looks

Just as appetizing as it looks

Turns out he gets his rocks off on weird shit just like the rest of us and that somehow reduces his achievements throughout the rest of his life in our eyes. It makes our problems, shortcomings, and dark thoughts feel more manageable because no one besides maybe your Ex is talking about them on Facebook—unlike Jared or Jason Pierre-Paul. And thanks to social media, it doesn’t even matter if he did it, because once you’ve been called out online, you’re guilty no matter what. No one likes a happy ending on there unless it has to do with a cute animal.

And Hamlet recovered and his album went double platinum. The End.

And Hamlet recovered and his album went double platinum. The End.

It’s like when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston broke up. Oh how we pined for those two to find peace, but we couldn’t help but know that two people who starred in movies had come to an ugly end that we got to watch it unfold front row. There aren’t many trains around any more, and no one with an above room temperature IQ can watch NASCAR, so these are the only wrecks we get to enjoy.

What also surprises me is how worked up we get when a politician or Charlie Sheen does some messed up stuff. I expect it. You know why? Because they have money and power, which is the only thing separating most of us from some of these demented antics.

Of course Anthony Wiener is going to repeatedly send pictures of his member to young girls—even after he got caught—he has power. Of course Charlie Sheen was going through more white powder than an Italian bakery and got more tail than a donkey on the wall at a birthday party. Who knows what I would do with that kind of power?

Couldn't have said it better myself

Couldn’t have said it better myself

So like the Greeks and their cathartic plays about incestual relations with their mother, we rejoice in the transgressions of celebrities, and suck down the sweet juices of their public shame like a large Coke after a delicious Subway Melt. It’s good for us so we can go about living our lives knowing these people have it tough because they have the money and power, (And in Jared’s case an unlimited supply of hoagies), that would get any of us into trouble too.

Ancient emoji uncovered from Athens circa 330 BC

So be glad you aren’t rich or powerful enough for people to care about the weird or stupid stuff you do. And If Subway is looking for a new Joe-Schmo to eat an unlimited supply of low-quality meat on bread, they know where to reach me.

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Overcoming the Holidaze

Whether you like it or not, the holidays are upon us. There’s nowhere to hide, it’s time to push the thought of another bitter winter into the back of our heads like the epic procrastinators we are with good friends, good food, good movies like Home Alone and Ernest Saves Christmas, and wonderful new toys.

 


I personally love the upcoming month and a half. Turkey Day to New Year’s is one of my favorite stretches of time, but they can be draining with the overeating, overdrinking, and other American holiday traditions. There are some strategies I’ve employed to help me survive in relative comfort that I’d like to share with you.

 

The OverEating

It starts with turkey, mashed potatoes, and candied yams, and then moves on to ham, cookies, and whatever else you can cram down your gullet. It’s not so much advice as it is preparation you need for this aspect of the Holidaze since everyone frees themselves from the notion of healthy eating during this season without any pretense. I suggest warming up the week or two before Thanksgiving by attempting to eat a whole pizza, a wing-eating contest, or a practice turkey on your own so you don’t embarrass yourself when it comes to that big beautiful bird with bread stuff up into its posterior. By the way, the stuffing thing, was that something created by the modest and humble indigenous people of North America, or the sexually repressed puritans at the first Thanksgiving? Just wondering.

Thanksgiving

Our traditions haven’t changed too much from that first gathering

 

When it comes to Christmas cookies, I use the Noah technique, I welcome two of every confectionary treat to the warm embrace of my mouth with pure joy. Warning: If you end up going to a lot of parties, this strategy may cause you to end up looking like an Ark, so use discretion.

 

Bring me two of every kind so the lord sayeth

Bring me two of every kind so the lord sayeth

The OverDrinking

This is another tantalizing option when it comes to the holidaze, and I know what you’re thinking, “No sweat, I abuse my liver all year long.” Wrong. Not in this quantity in such a short time. Plus, the threat of copious amounts of delicious food makes it a dangerous line to walk. You try to do both to the max in order to obtain optimal holiday cheer and you’ll wind up spewing holiday cheer all over the floor—or bathroom if you’re a polite party guest.

 

Cheers to those unforgettable holiday parties that become unbearable mornings

Cheers to those unforgettable holiday parties that become unbearable mornings

Remember to limit your amount of hard liquor at parties. It goes down quickly and the most delicious liquors come into play during this time of year like Sambuca, Lemon cello, and Reindeer-flavored vodka. Be sure to limit it to the fingers on one hand. If you’re missing any fingers, feel free to give an educated guess when keeping track.

 

Office Holiday parties are where you want to be the most careful. Having been to my fair share, I’ve noticed that it’s the one thing that TV shows have truthfully depicted. All those uptight, corny weirdoes you work with become wisecracking, horny weirdoes thanks to a healthy dose of liquid courage. My advice is to drink enough to fall somewhere on the line between the two coworkers hooking up and the guy trying to moon the company photo. I’m not trying to tell you how to embarrass yourself in front of the people you work with, I’m just trying to tell you it WILL happen. Just make sure the holiday bonus isn’t the last check you receive from your company.

anigif_enhanced-buzz-28909-1386612382-15

Overshopping

Not to spring a Family Matters-esque lesson on you, but this one should be avoided completely. It’s not necessary to go out and spend more than you can afford on trinkets and baubles for the people you love. The key as you grow older is to enjoy the time with the people you care about, whether that’s your family or old friends. That’s the true gift.

 

In my experience, people are just happier around the holidays—more outgoing, more likely to be charitable, and just plain friendly. There’s no scientific explanation, but make sure you cherish these moments of warmth and fellowship before the long winter sets in. Those gadgets will fade away, but the memories you make will last forever, so don’t fret about what to get whom— just bring yourself. That’s all people really want… Unless you were thinking about buying me a jet ski, then by all means go ahead and put that on your Visa.

 

Just picture the smile on my face on top of this bad boy

Just picture the smile on my face on top of this bad boy

So get out there and enjoy the excesses that have been woven into the Holiday season fabric, and don’t forget to check when your favorite clay-mation Christmas movie is showing so you don’t miss it:

 

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It’s great, I love getting emotionally invested in a show and experiencing the ups and downs the characters go through. There is one thing I’ve learned to do and that is not wish my life was more like that of my favorite TV shows. I know people daydream about that, which is why I’m here to tell you that it’s a bad idea.

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Nick’s Guide To A Super Freaky Fall

The leaves are turning into a mosaic of vibrant yellows, oranges, and reds right before our eyes, there’s pumpkin spice in everything from coffee to dog food, and people won’t shut up about wearing hoodies. It can only mean one thing: fall is here. And with it, I’d like to bring you my guide to fall activities. Feel free to reference this whenever you need some autumnal inspiration.

 

Better not take in this gorgeous sight too long or it won't be on Instagram

Better not take in this gorgeous sight too long or it won’t be on Instagram

Haunted Houses

OoooOOooo. Everyone’s in the spirit of fall. We should go to a haunted house, right? This question comes up in every group each October without fail. I’m sure the percentage of people that follow through is likely lower than the unemployment rate. Mainly because they’re in creepy towns out of the way and never near a good bar. The lack of follow through is fine with me because as someone that was born in the month of October, I can tell you that Haunted Houses don’t really exist. They’re all just failed high school thespian support groups. They always dress like that, please don’t mock their over-exaggerated pain.

 

I'm having a flashback to Our Town from sophomore year!!!

I’m having a flashback to Our Town from sophomore year!!!

{Insert Fruit or Vegetable] Picking

This one I must say I have a gripe with, and I think the great Woody Guthrie would too when he saw how people were being taking advantage of. Folks are paying to go do half the farmer’s work for him. If free labor is your thing, by all means, pay extra to do the work the farmer, or gravity was going to do in the first place. I know it’s about the experience, but if that’s the case they should spice it up a bit. Turn it into a reality show on Fox or bring in some American Gladiators to liven up the apple orchard.

 

Turbo is going to fire some apples at you, let's see who can catch the most in their mouth.

Turbo is going to fire some apples at you, let’s see who can catch the most in their mouth.

Pumpkin Spice

After reading Dune, I have a sneaking suspicion that Frank Herbert was on to something. People WILL do anything for the spice. However, it’s not mélange harvested by makers, its pumpkin spice harvested by Starbucks! It’s making its way into the market earlier each year, which is fine. If people like it, they should have it. Just don’t come crying to me when your eyes become completely blue and you need a stillsuit. (Editor’s note, this paragraph is ultimately based on you understanding Dune. It’s a lot funnier after you at least read the Dune Wikipedia page)

 

We must have the double frap, pumpkin spiced mocha latte!

We must have the double frap, pumpkin spiced mocha latte!

Ghost Stories

This one has fallen by the wayside recently. No one takes the time to kick back and enjoy a horrid tale by Lovecraft, Poe, or the great R.L. Stine anymore, but there’s merit in at least watching some scary movies. There’s even a series of movies called Halloween that seem pretty family friendly. They came up next to “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” on Netflix anyway. I would not recommend enjoying a scary book or movie if you live in an isolated cabin by a lake, near a cemetery, or if you have a lot of those creepy porcelain dolls that always look like they’re about to come to life. Then you’re just asking for it.

 

Good luck sleeping tonight when this little lady enters your dreams

Good luck sleeping tonight when this little lady enters your dreams

Costumes

I know I’m a little early on this one. We’ve still got a few weeks before we have to scramble and put together some sorry excuse for an outfit at the last minute.Forgive my foresight, but this one is pretty easy.

  • Just pick something relevant to pop culture and do that. People love that stuff. I hear the Three-boobed woman will be a hot commodity this year.
  • Take a career that people work their whole lives to become like police officer, doctor, pirate, or vampire. Then make it short and sweet and throw the word “Sexy” in front of it, and you’ve got yourself a costume baby!
  • Last Resort– Go as a socially inept twentysomething glued to your phone—if you can pull it off.

 

These girls nailed it. Props

These girls nailed it. Props

Just remember, fall is here and it won’t last long. So go out and enjoy the beautiful colors, the rich earthen smells, and all that candy you told yourself was for the trick-or-treaters. Old Man Winter is waiting just around the corner with some seasonal depression. And his salt turns the bodies into mummies. Boo!

Don't get caught Home Alone

Don’t get caught Home Alone

The Babe Situation

Hey Babe! Can you come here a minute?

Glad I’ve got your attention. There’s an interesting trend I’ve noticed in modern society that has long baffled me, and that’s the use of the name “Babe” as a term of endearment towards a significant other. Now, there’s nothing wrong with the term, I have many good friends who use it for their better half.

Babe

Some Babe on Babe action

 

But perhaps that’s also the problem? The fact that it’s used so often that it has no meaning anymore.

To me, it doesn’t actually describe anything about the person, and that’s what a pet name is supposed to do. It’s an expression of the way you feel towards that person, or the way they make you feel. Looking at it that way, Babe only makes sense if your love interest reminds you of a talking pig, or a drunk baseball player who smoked cigars and hit a lot of homers. Babe feels like a cop out.

Unless you consider your friend a real "Home Run" God, that's terrible

Unless you consider your friend a real “Home Run.” God, that’s terrible

In my poor, limited experience in love, I always felt it made sense to develop unique names for each person. Basically because they were in fact unique people, different from each other who made me feel different ways—and their nicknames reflected that. I didn’t reinvent the wheel in the process, I just relied on simple, basic emotions that this person brought out in me. That’s why my love interests garnered names like Pumpkin, Sunshine, She Beast, and Crazy Train. (The last one was because she really loved the band Train)

Sadly, she's back in the atmosphere. Most likely with drops of Jupiter in her hair.

Sadly, she’s back in the atmosphere. Most likely with drops of Jupiter in her hair.

This kept it interesting and ensured one wouldn’t remind me of another. But I’ve known people who would call their mate “Babe,” and then when that relationship sputtered out and a new one was kindled, they’d call that person Babe—and so on and so on without stopping. Doesn’t this strike anyone as odd? We don’t do that with our pets. When your dog Sparky dies you don’t go out and find a different dog that looks nothing like that bitch Jenny, I mean Sparky, and also name it Sparky? No, because that’s ridiculous and you don’t want to confuse the two. So why would you do it for your potential soul mate? At least give them Roman numerals so they sound like a Pope or something.

Sparky  loves me so much more than other Sparky did

I’d like you all to meet Sparky the IX

In my head I see a hilarious scenario much like at a playground when a child screams, “Mom” and all the mothers look up. Except it’s a dinner party and a girl calls out “Babe,” and all the dough-eyed fellas attentively look up like frightened rabbits.

"Bros, don't make any sudden moves."

“Bros… don’t make any sudden moves.”

There’s nothing wrong with Babe in my book. It’s a perfectly suitable name for your main squeeze—just not every main squeeze you have along the way. A little creativity goes a long way to making your significant other feel like he or she is better than the duds and losers you’ve dated in the past, but that’s up to, Sugar.

That, or we make it a pronoun meaning, “One who is in a serious relationship where the Royal We is used for just about everything.”

Your call, America.

After all, it is the Land of the Free, and the Home of the Babe

After all, it is the Land of the Free, and the Home of the Babe

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