As I was driving home from work recently, I passed a billboard with a baby crying on it. I remember because the baby looked really upset, and while most people would just be moved by the image, as it’s intended to do, something else came to mind. Babies don’t act. They don’t take direction very well. Not when they’re infants and can barely talk. Except for Haley Joel Osment, I bet he could cry on command at 10 months. His work on the Jeff Foxworthy Show was mind-blowing. I don’t recall any of his other performances but I’m sure they were good.

Can't wait for your comeback little fella

So I wondered, how did they get a baby to cry? Let me tell you, this baby’s anguish was genuine. It looked really upset, which means it most likely was very upset. The thought that struck me was a profound one:

It’s somebody’s job to make that baby cry.

Part of somebody’s job description at these photo shoots and filming sessions is crying baby specialist. Can this guy be considered an expert in the field of infant tears? I guess so. There are experts in every field now a days so I guess somebody has to be the best at this. Especially since it’s such a lucrative field. Crying babies can sell just about anything, diapers, tires, designer jeans. I assume getting your first crying baby ad is the first step in becoming a lovable, yet unstable child actor.

You wanna be a star don't you?

People will watch babies do anything for extended periods of time. Did you ever walk into a room and a bunch of adults are watching an infant play with a ball like it’s the Superbowl or something? Well here is the reason: people love watching babies because they remind people of chimps. It’s that simple. Babies remind us what it’s like to see a chimp dressed in human clothes doing hilarious things. Babies are like Chimp Lite.

This brings me to one final random thought that comes from the first two thoughts. Animal Actors. These amazing trained animals that we love like, Air Bud and Beethoven, find work somehow. That means there’s an agent in Los Angeles that exclusively represents animal clients. What an interesting life that must be. To be the “Ari Gold” of animal agents. I bet his office smells like a crap, but in that business, that’s a sign of success. Perhaps even where the term “Filthy Rich” comes from.

Lassy #4, now there was a true professional

P.S.

If anyone has any information on the whereabouts of Alfie and Dee Dee, from the Nickelodeon hit, My Brother and Me, an update would be greatly appreciated. GOO Punch!