Now that we’ve finished up the political spectacles known as the National Conventions of two parties I’m glad I haven’t been invited to, it’s time to sit down and take a good hard look at how much trouble we’re in, no matter how this election pans out. We’ve got 4 more years of the trendiness and inefficiency or, well… I’m not sure what the other side brings to the table. Maybe this? (Insert picture of Mushroom Cloud)

Either way, I’ve done the hard work – dug down, and come up with a suitable list of write-ins that I would vote for over these two clowns. Without further adieu:


Current Internet Star

Which seat will you take? Not the one in the Oval Office.

I think Chocolate Rain’s time has passed, but whichever random Web Hero is relevant in November deserves some consideration, except Rebecca Black. I don’t like her stance on four-day workweeks. In this economic climate, it seems ludicrous to “Get Down” on Fridays. But whoever surfaces to the tremendously low heights of internet stardom, they deserve a vote, because hey, at least it’ll be entertaining.


Mark Zuckerberg

I can see the political scandal now. ” I swear I did not have Facebook Chat relations with that woman.”

I know he’s come under fire with Facebook’s stock falling faster than a fat kid on ice, but he’s still got the uncanny ability to convince young people that what he’s doing is good for them and not really just taking away any shreds of privacy they have left. You’d hate his policies at first and complain about them, but eventually you’d be hitting that “Like” button.


Bugs Bunny

Ehhhhh, what’s up Congress?

Listen folks, we’re in a tough spot. There’s no way around it. Astronomical debt, rampant unemployment, and social discord like it’s going out of style. In short, we’re in a jam. Who’s better at getting out of jams than any other American? That Wascally Wabbit. I truly believe he can stare down the barrel of the gun that is America’s problems and somehow convince the Chinese to blow their own beak off.


President from Independence Day

The candidate with the most experience in facing the utter collapse of civilization as we know it. Plus, look at that hair.

I know this guy doesn’t actually exist (Yes, for those of you paying attention, I do believe Bugs Bunny exists), he’s just a character played adroitly by Bill Pullman. But when those aliens looked like they were set to enslave humanity, he was calm and collected and knew to trust Will Smith and the guy from the Fly. That’s the strong type of character we need calling the shots. In fact, go ahead and write in Bill Pullman because if he can act it, he can do it. And he’s probably not busy right now because it’s not 1996.


Joe Torre

Trust me, we’ll get this economy turned around. Just wait ’til after the All-Star Break.

I’m by no means a Yankees fan, but he seems like a great coach, and that’s what this country needs. We’re down on ourselves right now and it fees like all hope is lost. We need to believe in ourselves again. And if he can convince the most ridiculously overpaid team in the history of sports that they should still care about hitting a tiny white ball when they could be counting all their money, than I think he can get our country back on track. Just keep the butt slaps to a minimum. Washington’s seen enough of that crap.


Tony the Tiger

Tax breaks for the little guy, They’re Grrrrrrrrrrrreat!

This seems like a given, I mean in all honesty, I’d really like to see him as a write-in. I wanted the Lucky Charms guy because a little luck is what we need these days, but he’s a naturalized citizen so that’s a no-go. But Tony, man he’s got the energy, the charisma, and the corporate backing to make a fabulous President. Plus, the handkerchief with absolutely no other clothing could really catch on this fall.


Lo Pan

We brought this on ourselves. Yes, the rumors are true. Voldemort will be his VP.

That’s right. You knew it was only a matter of time before I busted this one out. What’s not to like about this ancient, mystical demi-god? He’s tall, well spoken and he shoots lightning out of his fingers. I know what you’re thinking – he seems like a perfect fit for the Republicans. WRONG. Lo Pan answers to no one. It’s Lo Pan in 2012, whether we like it or not.