The season for strange occurrences, hauntings, and general spookiness is upon us once again and it’s got me thinking about the things that still scare me as a full-grown, adult male. The common horror creatures have been ruined by pop culture: Vampires (Now sexy), Werewolves (Now ruggedly sexy), and Zombies (Somehow also sexy?). It’s not a complete list of my fears, but it’s pretty in-depth.

You're next big boy

Which means this guy could be next. Paging Dr. Sexenstein

Twins

I can’t explain how disturbing it is to me to see identical twins – especially if they’re dressed similarly. It goes against everything we’re told – that we’re all unique. It’s unnatural and creepy to see a duplication of another human being getting along so well together. Shouldn’t they be fighting to the death or something? Child twins are the worst because they’re unaware of how off-putting they look playing with or talking to each other. I would also like to know the percentage of people we think are twins that are actually a person who’s future self has come back to warn them of some catastrophic event. Get on that scientists.

The horror......

Double vision… of the horror……

A Curse

Whether it’s from a gypsy, a shaman, or an old lady in Chinatown, I know curses still exist, which is why I’m kind to all people capable of throwing a curse my way. All those Twilight Zone episodes couldn’t have been wrong.

"Laughing when I dropped my cracker? You best believe that's a curse for you."

“Laughing when I dropped my cracker? You best believe that’s a curse for you.”

Commitment

This one should be obvious by me describing myself as an adult male in the intro.

When the Lights Flicker

How are you not supposed to think there’s a ghost haunting you when this happens? It’s illogical because light bulbs burn out all the time, but doesn’t it always happen at the spookiest time? Next time it happens, watch everyone hold their breath.

If I did this right, you're computer screen should've flickered...

If I did this right, your computer screen should’ve flickered…

Toy Story Being True

It seems like such a cute and heartfelt story, but think about the concept of toys as sentient beings. I know I owned a lot of villain action figures that probably wished me harm. Who knows what Super Shredder was capable of? And even worse, ventriloquist dolls. I can’t help but stare at those lifelike, soulless faces, waiting for them to tilt their heads slightly sideways and make some snide remark, and scare the crap out of me.

If this doesn't creep you out, just stare longer

If this doesn’t creep you out, just stare longer

Hangnails

I know I share this fear with lots of people, but my abhorrence to this goes to the deepest depths of my soul. I consider myself a reasonably tough fella who’s broken, sprained and separated most parts of my body, but something about a  hangnail sends devious shivers through my body. And I think if it came to the point of a fingernail falling off, I’d prefer to remove the finger completely and go from there. (Also, the reason there’s no picture of a hangnail is because I was afraid I’d faint searching for a one.)

Unknown-2

Iowa

Does anyone know the last time something happened in Iowa? I don’t know if it’s even still there. I’ve been close by but never saw this place for myself. For all we know, Iowa has been deserted for the past century, or more likely, Iowa is a government farm fabricated to house our growing zombie population.

Yeah, sure. If you're a zombie, maybe

Yeah, sure. If you’re a zombie, maybe

That’s my list. I hope it gets you into the Halloween spirit. Feel free to share the irrational things that still scare you. Clearly, nothing is too wussy or immature. And one last treat for those that read all the way through. Sweet Dreams!

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

Advertisements