I’m here today as a voice for the voiceless. I’m not referring to pets, babies, or ghosts, but one the most exploited groups in modern society:

 

Basic Food Groups

The Food Groups

 

Every day we see pictures posted online, of food about to be consumed. It makes me sick to my stomach to see these fine comestibles paraded around and shown off before we sink our teeth in and chew mercilessly until they’re rendered unrecognizable. It is like a snuff film, showing off your prize before you destroy it.

 

Does this make you feel like a big man?

Does this make you feel like a big man?

I can only begin to speculate about the reasons for posting lewd pictures of peanut butter covered hamburgers, or bacon wrapped crème puffs. To make other’s jealous? To completely shame fried dough circles covered in glaze? To catalogue your conquest of culinary delights? Despicable.

This man is like the Larry Flynt of the food porn industry

This man is like the Larry Flynt of the food porn industry

 

What did that food ever do to you? Besides provide the necessary caloric energy to keep you upright and functioning? Why must we embarrass and denigrate it? I have no idea, but just imagine the humiliation these foods go through. Forced to submit to a perverse photo shoot of which they have no say in—unwrapped, exposed, and a disgrace to the food pyramid. We even call it Food Porn, people!

 

Well, I couldn't not post this

Well, I couldn’t not post this

You don’t care if that double bacon cheeseburger feels bloated today, or that grilled cheese with lobster and bacon bits lost his great grandcheese earlier this week. No, you have no problem parading that chili cheese dog around like a… like … like a piece of meat. Which if you do the research, a hot dog is most certainly not a piece of meat at all.

Plenty of muscle, hooves and lips for your dining pleasure

Plenty of muscle, hooves and lips for your dining pleasure

 

Just remember next time you’re ogling a hearty cut of Mexican lasagna with a gleam of insatiable lust your eyes. One day that could be your Mexican lasagna being paraded around for all of the Internet to see. What will you do then? If you remember one thing from this obscure rant about the plight of digestible entities, remember this—I can’t stop thinking about what I’m going to have for dinner and I’d like some suggestions. Bon appetit.

"Yes, give in to your Hanger" (Anger brought on by hunger)

“Yes, give in to your Hanger” (Anger brought on by hunger)