Someone of high standing, or a least pop culture relevance, has been allegedly exposed and thusly shamed. Sound vague enough that could be any number of people? Yes. I’m actually referring to Jared of Subway fame. Who is now Jared of Subway ignominy.

Jared from Subway

The first ingredient in Subway’s bread is Jared’s discarded pants

If you’ve been living under a Subway $5 Footlong, a house owned by Jared was raided and searched by the FBI for potential child pornography. He’s the latest in an endless stream of celebrities and personalities to be publicly humiliated by their private life. We’ve enjoyed seeing a man who seemingly had it all: an award-winning smile, a harem of oversized pants, and an endless supply of subs, become a villain of meaty proportions. It was like someone had read my dream journal. He had the life I wanted, mainly the access to unlimited long sandwiches with an assortment of meats, cheeses, and toppings.

He threw it all away for the sake of (possibly) viewing underage kids performing lewd acts. And we’re thrilled about it. Why?

Because he seemingly had it all, and now he’s down here with the rest of us. Forget the fact that he’s a regular human being or worse, a man forever indebted to a sandwich chain that probably had an alarming amount of control over his life. But for heaven’s sake, he was on TV and people recognized him, which is why we savor his downfall like a delicious Chicken Teriyaki.

We love to see people who are doing better than us suffer, because it reminds us that they too have problems and shortcomings, and we love that. What I mean is that on TV he seems like a great guy who smiles all the time and is proud that he was able to achieve something that many Americans can’t—sustained weight loss in a healthy manner. So when something came along that could corrupt his achievement, we burned him like a garlic parmesan roll in that mysterious toaster garage Subway has.

Just as appetizing as it looks

Just as appetizing as it looks

Turns out he gets his rocks off on weird shit just like the rest of us and that somehow reduces his achievements throughout the rest of his life in our eyes. It makes our problems, shortcomings, and dark thoughts feel more manageable because no one besides maybe your Ex is talking about them on Facebook—unlike Jared or Jason Pierre-Paul. And thanks to social media, it doesn’t even matter if he did it, because once you’ve been called out online, you’re guilty no matter what. No one likes a happy ending on there unless it has to do with a cute animal.

And Hamlet recovered and his album went double platinum. The End.

And Hamlet recovered and his album went double platinum. The End.

It’s like when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston broke up. Oh how we pined for those two to find peace, but we couldn’t help but know that two people who starred in movies had come to an ugly end that we got to watch it unfold front row. There aren’t many trains around any more, and no one with an above room temperature IQ can watch NASCAR, so these are the only wrecks we get to enjoy.

What also surprises me is how worked up we get when a politician or Charlie Sheen does some messed up stuff. I expect it. You know why? Because they have money and power, which is the only thing separating most of us from some of these demented antics.

Of course Anthony Wiener is going to repeatedly send pictures of his member to young girls—even after he got caught—he has power. Of course Charlie Sheen was going through more white powder than an Italian bakery and got more tail than a donkey on the wall at a birthday party. Who knows what I would do with that kind of power?

Couldn't have said it better myself

Couldn’t have said it better myself

So like the Greeks and their cathartic plays about incestual relations with their mother, we rejoice in the transgressions of celebrities, and suck down the sweet juices of their public shame like a large Coke after a delicious Subway Melt. It’s good for us so we can go about living our lives knowing these people have it tough because they have the money and power, (And in Jared’s case an unlimited supply of hoagies), that would get any of us into trouble too.

Ancient emoji uncovered from Athens circa 330 BC

So be glad you aren’t rich or powerful enough for people to care about the weird or stupid stuff you do. And If Subway is looking for a new Joe-Schmo to eat an unlimited supply of low-quality meat on bread, they know where to reach me.