Posts from the ‘Original’ Category

The Honor System

We as a society have become an untrustworthy bunch. We have locks on everything, our cars, our bikes, our houses, and even our cell phones. We get nervous if a stranger looks at us. Or, perhaps my favorite, when you’re driving in a residential neighborhood, and the car behind you makes more than one of the turns that you just made. All of a sudden, it’s like the Italian Job and you’re thinking of ways to ditch this psycho.

Looks like all those Jason Statham movies weren't for nothing.

Looks like all those Jason Statham movies weren’t for nothing.

We’re also paranoid about what we eat. Lookout for gluten. Lookout for artificial sugar. Lookout for trans-fats. Whatever, I get it, you care about what goes into your body. I care too, about whether it tastes like it’s making sex to my mouth. Furthermore, you care about where it comes from. You don’t want a cow that suffered any indecencies or discomfort in life, right up until it’s hacked to pieces. That’s great. But for some reason, as a neurotic, paranoid, untrusting civilization, we’ve somehow managed to let the honor system survive in a place most unexpected:

Unknown

We’ve all seen this sign when out dining and nature calls. And while honor has gone the way of the dodo, more or less, it survives in the shittiest place – the bathroom. Did you ever think about this? All that stands between you and the unsanitary preparation of your food is a miniscule sign. That’s it. That’s all you get. A tiny plaque that declares, “Employees MUST wash hands.”

We all seem to think this sign is effective. That because the sign says they MUST, that they undoubtedly do. But do you always stop properly at a stop sign, or only take one free sample?

However, Free Samples does in fact suggest plurality...

However, Free Samples does in fact suggest plurality…

Let that sink in. While you do, remember that this paranoia is only exacerbated by the fact that you almost never see an employee using the restroom, so you can’t even protect yourself. We’re helpless.

This sign is based on the basic principle that we are a thoughtful and decent race of beings with faith in each other – and as my intro pointed out, we absolutely do not believe for a second. So we leave the compliance of cleansing bathroom bacteria to a plastic disclaimer. I guess they could put a camera in there to enforce the policy, but I’m pretty sure that would cause more problems than it solves.

Have I made you self-conscious about your local dining establishment yet? Think about this, do you know somebody that puts a security alarm sticker in their front window even though they don’t have the security system? Sure you do. These people are just covering their bases.

When was the last time someone referred to their house as premises?

When was the last time someone referred to their house as premises?

And the hand washing sign is no different than that sticker. Or the stop sign. Or free samples, or the “don’t download music illegally” sign.

Yet, the honor system continues to live in the most unlikely and unfathomable place. The bathroom. Next time you’re scrubbing the germs away, make sure you look for the sign, because it’s your only protection from what lurks beyond the walls of sanitization. If you don’t see it?

Bon Appetit

Bon Appetit

Advertisements

Social Drinking for Adults

“You don’t  buy beer, you just rent it”

I love this quote because it’s so true  We go to a bar and spend anywhere from $20 to hundreds of dollars on any given night at a bar to stand (Or kneel over a toilet) the rest of the night. This is a socially acceptable recreation known as drinking.

It’s fun, it’s easy and it’s damaging to our health, which is probably why we as Americans like it so much.

But let’s stop and think about it for a second. Actively seeking out a poorly lit establishment with constantly wet floors and strangers yelling at the top of their lungs to be heard is what we’re in for.  And that’s considered a good bar.

Where does the fun end and the line for the bathroom begin?

We actually pay for this atmosphere. A six pack of Miller Lite at a store is usually about $6 give or take, but we’ll pay $5 for one at a bar. Think about that for a second.  You would never buy one banana for the price of a whole bunch just to eat it in front of strangers and tip someone a dollar just for peeling it for you.

Let’s get this party started

Here’s another thing I’m guilty of, and I’m sure some of you are as well. As 20somethings, we have limited disposable income and this means we have to make tough decisions in order to continue our lavish lifestyle.

I’d often hear friends talking about how they’re broke and can’t afford to have cable TV or use the heat in their apartment. But I can swear I saw this person at the bar buying shots last Friday night. What this says to me is that we’ll forego creature comforts and basic necessities for months at a time to get drunk once, maybe twice in that same month.

So to recap, hanging out in a dark, dingy room, elbow to asshole with a bunch of unnecessarily sweaty individuals in lieu of catching the exciting new season of Breaking Bad or heating your apartment. Why?

Because standing around in a circle talking with your friends is still as fun as ever and we endure these inconveniences to do so. Plus, no one wants to stand around pretending to text people in well-ventilated, bright establishments.

But all we want to do, even as we get older is hang out and do stupid stuff with our friends, and because as we become adults, there are legal ramifications to acting a fool in public, our shenanigans are forced inside of bars.

Adults in public at 1st glance, but it could just be he touched the floor when it was lava.

Here, we can act like well-manicured children, laughing, dancing like a fool, rough-housing, singing along to terrible songs and occasionally sob uncontrollably (You all have that friend). And then it’s over. We pass out, wake up and it’s back to reality. We don’t go to bars to drink to forget–we go to recapture childhoods spent with good friends doing whatever you wanted, and who doesn’t feel like a child again when the terrifying sensation of peeing your pants hits.

So just remember the next time you’re taking care of a friend who had a little too much fun that night,  that they’re steering the porcelain bus for YOU, so you could, for a fleeting moment, take a trip down memory lane, and more importantly, remind you how you’re not ready to have  kids just yet.

CHEERS!

Lie to Me

One of the lessons ingrained into our little noggins when we’re young is that “lying is wrong.” It’s bad, it’s immoral, and good people don’t do it. And for the most part, we believe that. You know why?

It’s a well-crafted lie.

It has all the elements that compose a solid, effective lie.

  1. There’s a small dose of truth in it. It is wrong to lie– in certain situations.
  2. The intention behind it is good. This lie is meant to help us. It establishes a foundation for us to delineate between good and evil. Right and Wrong. Pop Tarts and Toaster Strudels. (Just wanted to express my fondness for Toaster Strudels)
  3. It’s believable. How could you not believe this for a while? I mean, George Washington, the founder of America, could not tell a lie, so why would we?

And that’s where I call shenanigans. George was a great liar. He got elected President, the ultimate position a liar can achieve. But that’s a diatribe for another time.

Our parents teach us to be honest, and lie to us constantly during our childhood. Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy– I mean really people, why is a sprite dealing in stolen molars necessary? These lies are most likely not necessary. But they sure add some zest to childhood, and it’s all in good fun. No one is hurt by these fibs. They help develop our imagination and delusions of grandeur that turn us into functioning adults.

Here’s a list of lies that may sound familiar to you:

  • Your face will stay like that
  • You can’t swallow your gum
  • I’ve never experimented with drugs
  • When I was your age [Fill in the Blank]
  • You won’t grow big and strong if you don’t eat your vegetables
  • You can be anything you want to be
  • All dogs go to heaven (Most get buried in the back yard)
  • This drink isn’t for kids
  • Video games will melt your brain (Pretty sure that Zuckerberg chap spent some time playing video games)
  • Only bad people go to prison

This list could go on ad infinitum, but you get the point. These are all believable lies that help us in some way avoid becoming a social pariah, but they are all lies– and that’s okay. I’ve decided the main reason we are lied to so much as kids, is so we can grow up to be good liars– not good AT lying, but good at lying when the situation calls for it. Our parents understand that one day we will have kids of our own that we will need to lie to so their spirits won’t be crushed before their time.  cross my heart and hope to die, I want to thank all the adults that lied to me as a ruddy-faced youth, I’ve matured into a successful, happy liar.

Oh, just thought of another gem:

Cheaters never prosper.

Actually, that may be a whole post on its own. Have a Great Day!

America The Great: Top 3

I’m impressed you came back. Let’s get right into it The top 3 reasons America rules are:

3. THE FLAG

This one is obvious. Our flag and symbol, the bald eagle, rule. Straight up. Take a look other country’s flags. It’s like they just said, “We can do 3 vertical stripes, choose wisely.”

I pledge allegiance to the lame.

Our flag is unique, different color stripes with stars for each rocking state. It means something. Every part of it does. France,seems to like copying us with democracy and the colors of their flag and stuff. We did it right and we did it first. The bald eagle, well you don’t eff with a bald eagle. Bottom line. USA.

Truth: This is and has always been the background on my computer. Aww Yeah!

2. PERSERVERANCE

The WNBA is still a thing. Let that set in. Bet you forgot about it. Before I go any further I would like to point out, I’m not saying women can’t play professional sports, I’m saying it’s boring. They’re fan base, which numbers somewhere in the tens, may be offended, but you’ll miss my point. Being the resourceful buggers we are, found a way to keep it alive and on national TV for over a decade now, without any interest from the general public. That amazes me.  No other country would force-feed crap down peoples’ throats. But we do it all the time. It leads me to believe, that when we roll up our sleeves, there is nothing we can’t put on TV in prime time. America. Home. Of. The. Brave.

Are you ready for some lay-ups!?

1. HOTTIES

Logically, I think we all saw where this was going. Look around people. There are hotties everywhere. You can talk all you want about Brazilians, or Swedes, but America’s #1 export is still good looking people. It once again defies logic that this country was founded by debtors, outcasts, and the down trodden, and still came out on top in terms of good looks. We encourage it and we use it to our advantage. It’s the American way to use your good looks to get whatever you want, and it works. Well Done people. Hotties of America,

100% Pure American Hotness

I Salute You.

When I stop seeing 9s and 10s walking down the street in Anytown, USA, then come and tell me this country is in trouble. Until then, I say:

AMERICA THE GREAT.

If you have any reasons why you think America is awesome that I left out, leave them in the comments. I’m sure there are more so let me know what you think. Holla at your boy!

America The Great Pt. 1

There’s been a lot of talk the past couple of months about all the problems America is facing. The American system failing and all that. Well, I’ve been busy outside enjoying myself. Now that it’s dark by lunchtime and I can only play Call of Duty for so long, I figure it’s time to address this subject. What better way than by giving you a list of reasons why I think America is still the greatest place on earth:

6. HOT DOGS

Nothing says America like the hot dog. We invented, we love it, it probably causes butt cancer. Yet, people chow down on these things like they were tic-tacs. Not just because they’re delicious, but also because they’re made up of all the parts no one wants. Hooves, nostrils, tails, whatever’s left. No other country was, or is capable of such a thing. America has always accepted everyone’s leftovers and came out on top, just like the hot dog. Boom.

A whole pile of America right there. Dig in.

5. ACTION MOVIES

Have you ever watched an action movie not made in America? They’re god-awful. They’re weighted down with cohesive plots, believable love interests and engaging dialogue. No Thank You. Give me explosions, dry cool wit, a love interest that can’t stand the hero until the last twenty minutes, and ludicrous amounts of kicking and punching. Stick to that formula and we’ll be A-OK.

A–M–E–R–I–C–A.

I hope you like broken limbs.

4. THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS

What other country would put this in their official rulebook. No one else even thought to consider this awesome possibility. Red, White, and Blue.

We must protect ourselves.

Tune in tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion of America The Great, the top 3.

You’re a Stalker (And you’re not that good at it)

Nice use of the hoodie for the creepiness factor. You just can't teach that

Remember the good old days when somebody wanted to stalk someone, they had to do “stalky things” like follow the person around all day and steal their mail? Or wait for the person to leave their house, and a whole list of other extremely deranged, yet extremely dedicated tasks that took up a lot of time. Which could explain why these stalkers got such a bad rap but it wasn’t an easy lifestyle. They dedicated all of their time to figuring out what someone they’re uncomfortably interested in is doing. Annnnnnnnd then came Facebook and everything was ruined.

Read more…

Don’t Be Such a Baby

As I was driving home from work recently, I passed a billboard with a baby crying on it. I remember because the baby looked really upset, and while most people would just be moved by the image, as it’s intended to do, something else came to mind. Babies don’t act. They don’t take direction very well. Not when they’re infants and can barely talk. Except for Haley Joel Osment, I bet he could cry on command at 10 months. His work on the Jeff Foxworthy Show was mind-blowing. I don’t recall any of his other performances but I’m sure they were good.

Can't wait for your comeback little fella

So I wondered, how did they get a baby to cry? Let me tell you, this baby’s anguish was genuine. It looked really upset, which means it most likely was very upset. The thought that struck me was a profound one:

It’s somebody’s job to make that baby cry.

Part of somebody’s job description at these photo shoots and filming sessions is crying baby specialist. Can this guy be considered an expert in the field of infant tears? I guess so. There are experts in every field now a days so I guess somebody has to be the best at this. Especially since it’s such a lucrative field. Crying babies can sell just about anything, diapers, tires, designer jeans. I assume getting your first crying baby ad is the first step in becoming a lovable, yet unstable child actor.

You wanna be a star don't you?

People will watch babies do anything for extended periods of time. Did you ever walk into a room and a bunch of adults are watching an infant play with a ball like it’s the Superbowl or something? Well here is the reason: people love watching babies because they remind people of chimps. It’s that simple. Babies remind us what it’s like to see a chimp dressed in human clothes doing hilarious things. Babies are like Chimp Lite.

This brings me to one final random thought that comes from the first two thoughts. Animal Actors. These amazing trained animals that we love like, Air Bud and Beethoven, find work somehow. That means there’s an agent in Los Angeles that exclusively represents animal clients. What an interesting life that must be. To be the “Ari Gold” of animal agents. I bet his office smells like a crap, but in that business, that’s a sign of success. Perhaps even where the term “Filthy Rich” comes from.

Lassy #4, now there was a true professional

P.S.

If anyone has any information on the whereabouts of Alfie and Dee Dee, from the Nickelodeon hit, My Brother and Me, an update would be greatly appreciated. GOO Punch!

%d bloggers like this: