Posts from the ‘Stop and Think’ Category

You Gotta Have It

I’ve worked in advertising most of my adult life and have even written a few TV commercials. I understand the value of advertising, as it brings to light new products and services that in theory, make one’s life simpler or more enjoyable. That is the theory of course—the reality is that most things advertised on TV are things you are told you can’t live without, but don’t necessarily need. Read more…

You’re Not My Type

The time of year has come when people spend a lot of time thinking about the romantic entanglements they find themselves in, or don’t find themselves in. Personally, I enjoy Valentine’s Day because I love bright flowers and the candy hearts made out of chalk with funny quotes on them. But you hear a lot of single people talk about their “Type” and this always gets me thinking.

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As Seen On TV

With fall and the changing of the leaves comes a season of hope and renewal. New TV shows about vampires that solve mysteries, and werewolves get into a Glee Club pop up on major networks and cable channels alike to draw you in. Television has begun to give the movie industry a run for its money with quality programming that helps establish a deeper emotional connection with audiences.

 

It’s great, I love getting emotionally invested in a show and experiencing the ups and downs the characters go through. There is one thing I’ve learned to do and that is not wish my life was more like that of my favorite TV shows. I know people daydream about that, which is why I’m here to tell you that it’s a bad idea.

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The Babe Situation

Hey Babe! Can you come here a minute?

Glad I’ve got your attention. There’s an interesting trend I’ve noticed in modern society that has long baffled me, and that’s the use of the name “Babe” as a term of endearment towards a significant other. Now, there’s nothing wrong with the term, I have many good friends who use it for their better half.

Babe

Some Babe on Babe action

 

But perhaps that’s also the problem? The fact that it’s used so often that it has no meaning anymore.

To me, it doesn’t actually describe anything about the person, and that’s what a pet name is supposed to do. It’s an expression of the way you feel towards that person, or the way they make you feel. Looking at it that way, Babe only makes sense if your love interest reminds you of a talking pig, or a drunk baseball player who smoked cigars and hit a lot of homers. Babe feels like a cop out.

Unless you consider your friend a real "Home Run" God, that's terrible

Unless you consider your friend a real “Home Run.” God, that’s terrible

In my poor, limited experience in love, I always felt it made sense to develop unique names for each person. Basically because they were in fact unique people, different from each other who made me feel different ways—and their nicknames reflected that. I didn’t reinvent the wheel in the process, I just relied on simple, basic emotions that this person brought out in me. That’s why my love interests garnered names like Pumpkin, Sunshine, She Beast, and Crazy Train. (The last one was because she really loved the band Train)

Sadly, she's back in the atmosphere. Most likely with drops of Jupiter in her hair.

Sadly, she’s back in the atmosphere. Most likely with drops of Jupiter in her hair.

This kept it interesting and ensured one wouldn’t remind me of another. But I’ve known people who would call their mate “Babe,” and then when that relationship sputtered out and a new one was kindled, they’d call that person Babe—and so on and so on without stopping. Doesn’t this strike anyone as odd? We don’t do that with our pets. When your dog Sparky dies you don’t go out and find a different dog that looks nothing like that bitch Jenny, I mean Sparky, and also name it Sparky? No, because that’s ridiculous and you don’t want to confuse the two. So why would you do it for your potential soul mate? At least give them Roman numerals so they sound like a Pope or something.

Sparky  loves me so much more than other Sparky did

I’d like you all to meet Sparky the IX

In my head I see a hilarious scenario much like at a playground when a child screams, “Mom” and all the mothers look up. Except it’s a dinner party and a girl calls out “Babe,” and all the dough-eyed fellas attentively look up like frightened rabbits.

"Bros, don't make any sudden moves."

“Bros… don’t make any sudden moves.”

There’s nothing wrong with Babe in my book. It’s a perfectly suitable name for your main squeeze—just not every main squeeze you have along the way. A little creativity goes a long way to making your significant other feel like he or she is better than the duds and losers you’ve dated in the past, but that’s up to, Sugar.

That, or we make it a pronoun meaning, “One who is in a serious relationship where the Royal We is used for just about everything.”

Your call, America.

After all, it is the Land of the Free, and the Home of the Babe

After all, it is the Land of the Free, and the Home of the Babe

Broke is A Joke

People of my generation have heard that we came of age in a desperate time where a “good job” was the stuff of legend and student debt was the norm. It most certainly left its imprint on our psyche and has given us a unique perspective on wealth. Now more than ever, it’s not only socially acceptable, but quite chic to say, “I’m broke.”

This is not the brokeness of our parents’ generation, or our grandparents. There’s was a real brokeness, not an excuse not to do something we don’t want to do. My parents wore homemade clothes throughout their childhoods, and even occasionally had to limit the amount of food each person got at dinner, and they weren’t even the worst off. Let’s not get into the Golden Generation and the abject poverty they saw. Compared to what past generations have seen, our brokeness is one of mere convenience. This is not a condemnation of our generation—let me explain.

How did everyone in the Great Depression still afford to shop at American Apparel?

How did everyone in the Great Depression still afford to shop at American Apparel?

Back in the day, no one admitted to being too broke to do something. You didn’t announce you were a poor kid. You buried that deep inside and worked until you could show off how much money you finally made. Now you hear the term “broke” thrown around quite often, mostly at designer boutiques, Whole Foods, and upscale watering holes. We complain about debt and about how we have to pay our own bills, as we sip on marked-up vodka drinks.

I’m not trying to say we don’t face serious financial difficulties as young Americans. We work hard and make very little with little chance of advancement for a long time, but we’re merely conveniently poor as opposed to destitute. What I mean is we forgo creature comforts and occasionally necessities so we can get drunk and have fun on the weekends. That my friends is a choice.

Nothing says pinching pennies like a $10 cocktail

Nothing says pinching pennies like a $10 cocktail

  • To my generation, $20 in the gas tank is a burden, but $20 at the bar is a bargain.
  • $50 parking ticket is a travesty, $50 ticket to see Soundgarden is a necessity.

I include myself in this category. I complain about having insufficient funds and buy the lowest grade lunchmeat. You know, the turkey meat that’s always wet as if it just got done with a soak in a Turkish bath. (Pause and wait for everyone to stop laughing at that pun)

I question the description. Perhaps New Dheli Fresh is more like it

New Dheli Fresh is more like it

People make it seem like having enough quarters to do laundry is equivalent to building a solid retirement portfolio, but god forbid you go without a cup of Starbucks in the morning. We’re not broke. We like to say we are and even portray that we are. Imagine how this way of thinking will serve us once we actually do take power (If we ever feel like it).

Our infrastructure is crumbling? Have to wait a little bit—I heard Dave is going back on tour this summer. There’s a shortage of potable water here in our advanced nation? We’ll get to that after we all get a taste of this croissant and donut merger everyone’s talking about. The Russians are engaging in aggressive tactical maneuvers? WE don’t have time for that because OITNB just got uploaded. Just buy them a shot. Of what? I’d say vodka but that would not be politically correct to assume they’d naturally choose a flavorless disgusting version of rubbing alcohol.

Just kidding. Everyone knows they love that garbage

Just kidding. Everyone knows they love that garbage

You can see I’ve thought about this way too much, as I sit here with an empty refrigerator and a belly full of beer. They always say it’s the little things in life that make it worthwhile. And last time I checked a mug of beer was a lot smaller than my car insurance, so bottoms up!

 

Popular Misconceptions Vol. 1

Considering the fact that this blog is titled, “Humor Me,” it’s obvious it’s self-serving and indulgent, but occasionally I try to give back. That’s why I’m taking the time to debunk a few popular ideas that have gained traction despite being nothing more than mere myths and Hollywood hokum.

 

Single, vulnerable women attend weddings

Wedding Crashers misled an entire generation of young men who were shown a magical world where women are so emotionally charged by the public display of eternal love that they were nothing more than fresh fruit at a farmer’s market. This is patently untrue and I’ve thought about filing a class action lawsuit against them. Normal people go to weddings and normal women do not want some sauced up stranger clawing at them. Also, women rarely have trouble convincing a “Friend-zoned” guy to accompanying them to a wedding so they can avoid this situation. Like a creep force field.

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Science: More than just a class you forgot about

If there’s one area that I’m 100% unqualified to discuss, it is science.  Now in my defense, I have a community college biology class under my belt so I’m really only 99.9% (.1% margin of error of course) unqualified to elaborate on science– so let’s begin.

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