Posts from the ‘Thoughts’ Category

Fighting For Food

I’m here today as a voice for the voiceless. I’m not referring to pets, babies, or ghosts, but one the most exploited groups in modern society:

 

Basic Food Groups

The Food Groups

 

Every day we see pictures posted online, of food about to be consumed. It makes me sick to my stomach to see these fine comestibles paraded around and shown off before we sink our teeth in and chew mercilessly until they’re rendered unrecognizable. It is like a snuff film, showing off your prize before you destroy it.

 

Does this make you feel like a big man?

Does this make you feel like a big man?

I can only begin to speculate about the reasons for posting lewd pictures of peanut butter covered hamburgers, or bacon wrapped crème puffs. To make other’s jealous? To completely shame fried dough circles covered in glaze? To catalogue your conquest of culinary delights? Despicable.

This man is like the Larry Flynt of the food porn industry

This man is like the Larry Flynt of the food porn industry

 

What did that food ever do to you? Besides provide the necessary caloric energy to keep you upright and functioning? Why must we embarrass and denigrate it? I have no idea, but just imagine the humiliation these foods go through. Forced to submit to a perverse photo shoot of which they have no say in—unwrapped, exposed, and a disgrace to the food pyramid. We even call it Food Porn, people!

 

Well, I couldn't not post this

Well, I couldn’t not post this

You don’t care if that double bacon cheeseburger feels bloated today, or that grilled cheese with lobster and bacon bits lost his great grandcheese earlier this week. No, you have no problem parading that chili cheese dog around like a… like … like a piece of meat. Which if you do the research, a hot dog is most certainly not a piece of meat at all.

Plenty of muscle, hooves and lips for your dining pleasure

Plenty of muscle, hooves and lips for your dining pleasure

 

Just remember next time you’re ogling a hearty cut of Mexican lasagna with a gleam of insatiable lust your eyes. One day that could be your Mexican lasagna being paraded around for all of the Internet to see. What will you do then? If you remember one thing from this obscure rant about the plight of digestible entities, remember this—I can’t stop thinking about what I’m going to have for dinner and I’d like some suggestions. Bon appetit.

"Yes, give in to your Hanger" (Anger brought on by hunger)

“Yes, give in to your Hanger” (Anger brought on by hunger)

 

 

Humans: The wildest animal of all

Do you ever think about all the strange things that animals do? They seem so weird and random when you watch those Discovery Channel specials. Until you think about some things you see and do in a normal day and realize that humans are by far the weirdest and most random species on the planet.

Proof of social darwinism

Proof of social darwinism

One thing I noted was that pretty much every weird thing an animal does is for survival. Necessity factors into almost everything they do. They are able to survive and thrive because that’s all they’re focused on. Necessity doesn’t seem to factor into things we do and yet when you break it down, we still do some peculiar things.

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Are You Asleep Yet?

There’s a good chance you’re reading this because you wish you were asleep, or at the very least, sleepy. That short break from consciousness that helps us replenish our life force and prepare for another day of noise, routines, and Netflix marathons. But the “Good night’s Sleep” is an elusive thing these days.

This is exactly what no one looks like when they're sleeping

This is exactly what no one looks like when they’re sleeping

Sleeping is one of the only things I can think of that is involuntary and that so many people are bad at. It’s something the body requires, but at the same time refuses to make easy. It should be simple. Lay down in bed in “jammies” and close eyes. That’s all it should take. I’d like a show of hands of everyone that falls asleep that easily:

That’s what I thought

That’s what I thought

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Winter: Our Love Affair with Bad Weather

I live in the northeast where weather  makes you its bitch for a few months. It’s more commonly referred to as, “winter.” It does what it wants, when it wants, regardless of your plans. It’s a time where weather-based complaining reaches record highs, with phrases like: “I’m over winter already.” Or “I can’t stand cold weather!”  I could fill a few pages with Facebook posts alone, but you get the idea.

You were thinking about flying somewhere warm? Not so fast.

You were thinking about flying somewhere warm? Not so fast, my friend.

Having spent the previous year in the near perfect climate of Southern California, I experienced a phenomenon I’ve since dubbed “Weather Guilt.” Read more…

Miley Being Miley: Which is alright with me

“Oh my god, did you hear what Miley did?” This is something people seem to be saying quite often these days. People seem genuinely shocked that she’s acting out and rebelling against her squeaky-clean, child star image. Why is a YOUNG GIRL ACTING OUT, they keep saying? We’re thrown off by something that is completely expected, a young person rebelling against the conservative environment they were raised in. It’s as American as the apple pie in American Pie the movie.

Cue 90s alt rock song

Cue 90s alt rock anthem

I know just like everyone else reading this, that I did many things between the age of 18 and 21 that I regret or now look back on, shaking my head with a rye smile saying, “Man, I was so cool back then flipping the bird in every picture and listening to my Sony Walkman all day.” So who are we to judge her? But she was twerking all over a pop icon and smoking a joint on television, or she bought a car made out of melted down rappers grills, you say.

So what.

I really hope the last one happens soon

I really hope the last one happens soon

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The Corrected System

The slammer, the big house, the hole…prison. A place that’s steeped in mystery, myth, and a potential goldmine for TV and movie plots. It’s also a depressing place where little is done and much is wasted. Everyone can agree that the system is flawed, but can’t agree on what is “flawing” it. Some say it’s the laws that target minor offenders and clog the system, others say once in, the inmates do not receive the societal rehabilitation they need. I believe the corrections that could repair the system could be easily implemented.

 

First off, we’re going about it all wrong. Inmates spend most of their day lying around, hanging out, having playtime and eating 3 square meals. That sounds like a great summer vacation to me. I know what you’re saying, don’t forget the forcible rape, daily shankings, and the poor Yelp! reviews most prison mess halls receive, but I’ve thought of that – and I’ve got an idea Read more…

It’s Okay to Be Afraid

The season for strange occurrences, hauntings, and general spookiness is upon us once again and it’s got me thinking about the things that still scare me as a full-grown, adult male. The common horror creatures have been ruined by pop culture: Vampires (Now sexy), Werewolves (Now ruggedly sexy), and Zombies (Somehow also sexy?). It’s not a complete list of my fears, but it’s pretty in-depth.

You're next big boy

Which means this guy could be next. Paging Dr. Sexenstein

Twins

I can’t explain how disturbing it is to me to see identical twins – especially if they’re dressed similarly. It goes against everything we’re told – that we’re all unique. It’s unnatural and creepy to see a duplication of another human being getting along so well together. Shouldn’t they be fighting to the death or something? Child twins are the worst because they’re unaware of how off-putting they look playing with or talking to each other. I would also like to know the percentage of people we think are twins that are actually a person who’s future self has come back to warn them of some catastrophic event. Get on that scientists.

The horror......

Double vision… of the horror……

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