Fighting For Food

I’m here today as a voice for the voiceless. I’m not referring to pets, babies, or ghosts, but one the most exploited groups in modern society:

 

Basic Food Groups

The Food Groups

 

Every day we see pictures posted online, of food about to be consumed. It makes me sick to my stomach to see these fine comestibles paraded around and shown off before we sink our teeth in and chew mercilessly until they’re rendered unrecognizable. It is like a snuff film, showing off your prize before you destroy it.

 

Does this make you feel like a big man?

Does this make you feel like a big man?

I can only begin to speculate about the reasons for posting lewd pictures of peanut butter covered hamburgers, or bacon wrapped crème puffs. To make other’s jealous? To completely shame fried dough circles covered in glaze? To catalogue your conquest of culinary delights? Despicable.

This man is like the Larry Flynt of the food porn industry

This man is like the Larry Flynt of the food porn industry

 

What did that food ever do to you? Besides provide the necessary caloric energy to keep you upright and functioning? Why must we embarrass and denigrate it? I have no idea, but just imagine the humiliation these foods go through. Forced to submit to a perverse photo shoot of which they have no say in—unwrapped, exposed, and a disgrace to the food pyramid. We even call it Food Porn, people!

 

Well, I couldn't not post this

Well, I couldn’t not post this

You don’t care if that double bacon cheeseburger feels bloated today, or that grilled cheese with lobster and bacon bits lost his great grandcheese earlier this week. No, you have no problem parading that chili cheese dog around like a… like … like a piece of meat. Which if you do the research, a hot dog is most certainly not a piece of meat at all.

Plenty of muscle, hooves and lips for your dining pleasure

Plenty of muscle, hooves and lips for your dining pleasure

 

Just remember next time you’re ogling a hearty cut of Mexican lasagna with a gleam of insatiable lust your eyes. One day that could be your Mexican lasagna being paraded around for all of the Internet to see. What will you do then? If you remember one thing from this obscure rant about the plight of digestible entities, remember this—I can’t stop thinking about what I’m going to have for dinner and I’d like some suggestions. Bon appetit.

"Yes, give in to your Hanger" (Anger brought on by hunger)

“Yes, give in to your Hanger” (Anger brought on by hunger)

 

 

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Broke is A Joke

People of my generation have heard that we came of age in a desperate time where a “good job” was the stuff of legend and student debt was the norm. It most certainly left its imprint on our psyche and has given us a unique perspective on wealth. Now more than ever, it’s not only socially acceptable, but quite chic to say, “I’m broke.”

This is not the brokeness of our parents’ generation, or our grandparents. There’s was a real brokeness, not an excuse not to do something we don’t want to do. My parents wore homemade clothes throughout their childhoods, and even occasionally had to limit the amount of food each person got at dinner, and they weren’t even the worst off. Let’s not get into the Golden Generation and the abject poverty they saw. Compared to what past generations have seen, our brokeness is one of mere convenience. This is not a condemnation of our generation—let me explain.

How did everyone in the Great Depression still afford to shop at American Apparel?

How did everyone in the Great Depression still afford to shop at American Apparel?

Back in the day, no one admitted to being too broke to do something. You didn’t announce you were a poor kid. You buried that deep inside and worked until you could show off how much money you finally made. Now you hear the term “broke” thrown around quite often, mostly at designer boutiques, Whole Foods, and upscale watering holes. We complain about debt and about how we have to pay our own bills, as we sip on marked-up vodka drinks.

I’m not trying to say we don’t face serious financial difficulties as young Americans. We work hard and make very little with little chance of advancement for a long time, but we’re merely conveniently poor as opposed to destitute. What I mean is we forgo creature comforts and occasionally necessities so we can get drunk and have fun on the weekends. That my friends is a choice.

Nothing says pinching pennies like a $10 cocktail

Nothing says pinching pennies like a $10 cocktail

  • To my generation, $20 in the gas tank is a burden, but $20 at the bar is a bargain.
  • $50 parking ticket is a travesty, $50 ticket to see Soundgarden is a necessity.

I include myself in this category. I complain about having insufficient funds and buy the lowest grade lunchmeat. You know, the turkey meat that’s always wet as if it just got done with a soak in a Turkish bath. (Pause and wait for everyone to stop laughing at that pun)

I question the description. Perhaps New Dheli Fresh is more like it

New Dheli Fresh is more like it

People make it seem like having enough quarters to do laundry is equivalent to building a solid retirement portfolio, but god forbid you go without a cup of Starbucks in the morning. We’re not broke. We like to say we are and even portray that we are. Imagine how this way of thinking will serve us once we actually do take power (If we ever feel like it).

Our infrastructure is crumbling? Have to wait a little bit—I heard Dave is going back on tour this summer. There’s a shortage of potable water here in our advanced nation? We’ll get to that after we all get a taste of this croissant and donut merger everyone’s talking about. The Russians are engaging in aggressive tactical maneuvers? WE don’t have time for that because OITNB just got uploaded. Just buy them a shot. Of what? I’d say vodka but that would not be politically correct to assume they’d naturally choose a flavorless disgusting version of rubbing alcohol.

Just kidding. Everyone knows they love that garbage

Just kidding. Everyone knows they love that garbage

You can see I’ve thought about this way too much, as I sit here with an empty refrigerator and a belly full of beer. They always say it’s the little things in life that make it worthwhile. And last time I checked a mug of beer was a lot smaller than my car insurance, so bottoms up!

 

What’s In a Name

I’m worried, people. There’s an alarming trend that’s cut its way into our societal fabric. The trend in question is poor naming of just about everything around us: fads, animals, babies, apps, you name it, and it probably has a sucky name. I’m actually an expert on this subject because part of my job used to be coming up with terrible names for terrible casino promotions.

The problem is when you invent or discover something you get to name it. A fine rule in principle, and in execution when the people inventing and discovering stuff were mostly scientists. They used descriptive features and terms rooted in Latin to name things. This gave us glorious names like “Tyrannosaurus Rex” and “Fibromyalgia.” Somewhere along the line we went from that to things like “Twerking” and “Polar Vortex.” I know you think the latter is fine because it sounds sciencey. You have to realize it was coined to drum up business for the Weather Channel and it basically means “Cold Hole.” Read more…

Outta Line

I love anything that has an unwritten set of rules. Laws that everyone is taught or come to understand through experience. We have events that require this code throughout many facets of life, but the one that always gets me is the unwritten rules of the line.

 

Waiting in line is often a tortuous experience, and most places you go, or want to go to, have a line. The movies, the amusement park, the bank, the line museum, etc. The ubiquitous nature of lines required us to develop a set of laws that was universally understood, and abided by. All’s well right?

Wrong. It seems there are rebels out there hell-bent on breaking down society through acts of anarchy through line violations. I guarantee these are the same rebels who put ice cubes in their milk. I can only hope there’s a level in hell reserved for those who cavalierly violate these unalienable tenets of the line.

Line to heaven cartoon Read more…

Popular Misconceptions Vol. 1

Considering the fact that this blog is titled, “Humor Me,” it’s obvious it’s self-serving and indulgent, but occasionally I try to give back. That’s why I’m taking the time to debunk a few popular ideas that have gained traction despite being nothing more than mere myths and Hollywood hokum.

 

Single, vulnerable women attend weddings

Wedding Crashers misled an entire generation of young men who were shown a magical world where women are so emotionally charged by the public display of eternal love that they were nothing more than fresh fruit at a farmer’s market. This is patently untrue and I’ve thought about filing a class action lawsuit against them. Normal people go to weddings and normal women do not want some sauced up stranger clawing at them. Also, women rarely have trouble convincing a “Friend-zoned” guy to accompanying them to a wedding so they can avoid this situation. Like a creep force field.

Read more…

What if Dog was one of us: A dog’s life

Dogs are great, aren’t they? I don’t have anything against other pets, but there’s something about dogs that make them such great pets. There’s one for every personality type: lazy, outdoorsy, fancy, or just really tiny.

 

Well, now I've got your attention

Well, now I’ve got your attention

What interests me is how we interact with our dogs. It seems like we treat them like human children for the most part, which is misguided. It’s not wrong, it’s just not necessary. First off, they’re not humans, they’re animals, dogs to be specific. They’re evolved forms of wolves, yet we coddle them like they were our own progeny.

 

Believe it or not, I came up with this idea before I found this picture

Believe it or not, I came up with this idea before I found this picture

Read more…

TV Shows: Your Better Half

I think movies are cool. They’re always fun, but the joy movie provides is fleeting. They’re like a one-night stand. Lots of excitement and explosions, but it’s all over in one night and then you have to go back to your normal life. That’s why we are drawn to TV shows. It’s more like a relationship. It requires time, commitment, and often takes up way too much of your free time; but in the end it’s generally satisfying.

 

I think this is the beginning of something good

I think this is the beginning of something good

Many shows with loyal followings have ended: Breaking Bad, How I Met Your Mother, The Office, and very soon, Mad Men. The end of a show leaves a gaping void in our lives because it feels like we’ve lost a part of ourselves. I guess it makes sense; it’s no sillier than being distraught over your favorite team losing. We have no literal connection with a TV show or a sports team, yet we live and die for both.

 

Sounded like people were ready to kill over this ending

Sounded like people were ready to kill over this ending

For sports, it’s the primal urge of triumph. We all want to taste victory’s sweet nectar, and rooting for a team is by far the easiest way to feel that. With TV shows it’s different because we experience a world we want to be a part of or feel more connected to than our own world.

Read more…

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