Whether you like it or not, the holidays are upon us. There’s nowhere to hide, it’s time to push the thought of another bitter winter into the back of our heads like the epic procrastinators we are with good friends, good food, good movies like Home Alone and Ernest Saves Christmas, and wonderful new toys.

 


I personally love the upcoming month and a half. Turkey Day to New Year’s is one of my favorite stretches of time, but they can be draining with the overeating, overdrinking, and other American holiday traditions. There are some strategies I’ve employed to help me survive in relative comfort that I’d like to share with you.

 

The OverEating

It starts with turkey, mashed potatoes, and candied yams, and then moves on to ham, cookies, and whatever else you can cram down your gullet. It’s not so much advice as it is preparation you need for this aspect of the Holidaze since everyone frees themselves from the notion of healthy eating during this season without any pretense. I suggest warming up the week or two before Thanksgiving by attempting to eat a whole pizza, a wing-eating contest, or a practice turkey on your own so you don’t embarrass yourself when it comes to that big beautiful bird with bread stuff up into its posterior. By the way, the stuffing thing, was that something created by the modest and humble indigenous people of North America, or the sexually repressed puritans at the first Thanksgiving? Just wondering.

Thanksgiving

Our traditions haven’t changed too much from that first gathering

 

When it comes to Christmas cookies, I use the Noah technique, I welcome two of every confectionary treat to the warm embrace of my mouth with pure joy. Warning: If you end up going to a lot of parties, this strategy may cause you to end up looking like an Ark, so use discretion.

 

Bring me two of every kind so the lord sayeth

Bring me two of every kind so the lord sayeth

The OverDrinking

This is another tantalizing option when it comes to the holidaze, and I know what you’re thinking, “No sweat, I abuse my liver all year long.” Wrong. Not in this quantity in such a short time. Plus, the threat of copious amounts of delicious food makes it a dangerous line to walk. You try to do both to the max in order to obtain optimal holiday cheer and you’ll wind up spewing holiday cheer all over the floor—or bathroom if you’re a polite party guest.

 

Cheers to those unforgettable holiday parties that become unbearable mornings

Cheers to those unforgettable holiday parties that become unbearable mornings

Remember to limit your amount of hard liquor at parties. It goes down quickly and the most delicious liquors come into play during this time of year like Sambuca, Lemon cello, and Reindeer-flavored vodka. Be sure to limit it to the fingers on one hand. If you’re missing any fingers, feel free to give an educated guess when keeping track.

 

Office Holiday parties are where you want to be the most careful. Having been to my fair share, I’ve noticed that it’s the one thing that TV shows have truthfully depicted. All those uptight, corny weirdoes you work with become wisecracking, horny weirdoes thanks to a healthy dose of liquid courage. My advice is to drink enough to fall somewhere on the line between the two coworkers hooking up and the guy trying to moon the company photo. I’m not trying to tell you how to embarrass yourself in front of the people you work with, I’m just trying to tell you it WILL happen. Just make sure the holiday bonus isn’t the last check you receive from your company.

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Overshopping

Not to spring a Family Matters-esque lesson on you, but this one should be avoided completely. It’s not necessary to go out and spend more than you can afford on trinkets and baubles for the people you love. The key as you grow older is to enjoy the time with the people you care about, whether that’s your family or old friends. That’s the true gift.

 

In my experience, people are just happier around the holidays—more outgoing, more likely to be charitable, and just plain friendly. There’s no scientific explanation, but make sure you cherish these moments of warmth and fellowship before the long winter sets in. Those gadgets will fade away, but the memories you make will last forever, so don’t fret about what to get whom— just bring yourself. That’s all people really want… Unless you were thinking about buying me a jet ski, then by all means go ahead and put that on your Visa.

 

Just picture the smile on my face on top of this bad boy

Just picture the smile on my face on top of this bad boy

So get out there and enjoy the excesses that have been woven into the Holiday season fabric, and don’t forget to check when your favorite clay-mation Christmas movie is showing so you don’t miss it: