Posts tagged ‘Halloween’

Nick’s Guide To A Super Freaky Fall

The leaves are turning into a mosaic of vibrant yellows, oranges, and reds right before our eyes, there’s pumpkin spice in everything from coffee to dog food, and people won’t shut up about wearing hoodies. It can only mean one thing: fall is here. And with it, I’d like to bring you my guide to fall activities. Feel free to reference this whenever you need some autumnal inspiration.

 

Better not take in this gorgeous sight too long or it won't be on Instagram

Better not take in this gorgeous sight too long or it won’t be on Instagram

Haunted Houses

OoooOOooo. Everyone’s in the spirit of fall. We should go to a haunted house, right? This question comes up in every group each October without fail. I’m sure the percentage of people that follow through is likely lower than the unemployment rate. Mainly because they’re in creepy towns out of the way and never near a good bar. The lack of follow through is fine with me because as someone that was born in the month of October, I can tell you that Haunted Houses don’t really exist. They’re all just failed high school thespian support groups. They always dress like that, please don’t mock their over-exaggerated pain.

 

I'm having a flashback to Our Town from sophomore year!!!

I’m having a flashback to Our Town from sophomore year!!!

{Insert Fruit or Vegetable] Picking

This one I must say I have a gripe with, and I think the great Woody Guthrie would too when he saw how people were being taking advantage of. Folks are paying to go do half the farmer’s work for him. If free labor is your thing, by all means, pay extra to do the work the farmer, or gravity was going to do in the first place. I know it’s about the experience, but if that’s the case they should spice it up a bit. Turn it into a reality show on Fox or bring in some American Gladiators to liven up the apple orchard.

 

Turbo is going to fire some apples at you, let's see who can catch the most in their mouth.

Turbo is going to fire some apples at you, let’s see who can catch the most in their mouth.

Pumpkin Spice

After reading Dune, I have a sneaking suspicion that Frank Herbert was on to something. People WILL do anything for the spice. However, it’s not mélange harvested by makers, its pumpkin spice harvested by Starbucks! It’s making its way into the market earlier each year, which is fine. If people like it, they should have it. Just don’t come crying to me when your eyes become completely blue and you need a stillsuit. (Editor’s note, this paragraph is ultimately based on you understanding Dune. It’s a lot funnier after you at least read the Dune Wikipedia page)

 

We must have the double frap, pumpkin spiced mocha latte!

We must have the double frap, pumpkin spiced mocha latte!

Ghost Stories

This one has fallen by the wayside recently. No one takes the time to kick back and enjoy a horrid tale by Lovecraft, Poe, or the great R.L. Stine anymore, but there’s merit in at least watching some scary movies. There’s even a series of movies called Halloween that seem pretty family friendly. They came up next to “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” on Netflix anyway. I would not recommend enjoying a scary book or movie if you live in an isolated cabin by a lake, near a cemetery, or if you have a lot of those creepy porcelain dolls that always look like they’re about to come to life. Then you’re just asking for it.

 

Good luck sleeping tonight when this little lady enters your dreams

Good luck sleeping tonight when this little lady enters your dreams

Costumes

I know I’m a little early on this one. We’ve still got a few weeks before we have to scramble and put together some sorry excuse for an outfit at the last minute.Forgive my foresight, but this one is pretty easy.

  • Just pick something relevant to pop culture and do that. People love that stuff. I hear the Three-boobed woman will be a hot commodity this year.
  • Take a career that people work their whole lives to become like police officer, doctor, pirate, or vampire. Then make it short and sweet and throw the word “Sexy” in front of it, and you’ve got yourself a costume baby!
  • Last Resort– Go as a socially inept twentysomething glued to your phone—if you can pull it off.

 

These girls nailed it. Props

These girls nailed it. Props

Just remember, fall is here and it won’t last long. So go out and enjoy the beautiful colors, the rich earthen smells, and all that candy you told yourself was for the trick-or-treaters. Old Man Winter is waiting just around the corner with some seasonal depression. And his salt turns the bodies into mummies. Boo!

Don't get caught Home Alone

Don’t get caught Home Alone

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It’s Okay to Be Afraid

The season for strange occurrences, hauntings, and general spookiness is upon us once again and it’s got me thinking about the things that still scare me as a full-grown, adult male. The common horror creatures have been ruined by pop culture: Vampires (Now sexy), Werewolves (Now ruggedly sexy), and Zombies (Somehow also sexy?). It’s not a complete list of my fears, but it’s pretty in-depth.

You're next big boy

Which means this guy could be next. Paging Dr. Sexenstein

Twins

I can’t explain how disturbing it is to me to see identical twins – especially if they’re dressed similarly. It goes against everything we’re told – that we’re all unique. It’s unnatural and creepy to see a duplication of another human being getting along so well together. Shouldn’t they be fighting to the death or something? Child twins are the worst because they’re unaware of how off-putting they look playing with or talking to each other. I would also like to know the percentage of people we think are twins that are actually a person who’s future self has come back to warn them of some catastrophic event. Get on that scientists.

The horror......

Double vision… of the horror……

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