Posts tagged ‘Humor Me’

Serves You Right To Suffer

Someone of high standing, or a least pop culture relevance, has been allegedly exposed and thusly shamed. Sound vague enough that could be any number of people? Yes. I’m actually referring to Jared of Subway fame. Who is now Jared of Subway ignominy.

Jared from Subway

The first ingredient in Subway’s bread is Jared’s discarded pants

If you’ve been living under a Subway $5 Footlong, a house owned by Jared was raided and searched by the FBI for potential child pornography. He’s the latest in an endless stream of celebrities and personalities to be publicly humiliated by their private life. We’ve enjoyed seeing a man who seemingly had it all: an award-winning smile, a harem of oversized pants, and an endless supply of subs, become a villain of meaty proportions. It was like someone had read my dream journal. He had the life I wanted, mainly the access to unlimited long sandwiches with an assortment of meats, cheeses, and toppings.

He threw it all away for the sake of (possibly) viewing underage kids performing lewd acts. And we’re thrilled about it. Why?

Because he seemingly had it all, and now he’s down here with the rest of us. Forget the fact that he’s a regular human being or worse, a man forever indebted to a sandwich chain that probably had an alarming amount of control over his life. But for heaven’s sake, he was on TV and people recognized him, which is why we savor his downfall like a delicious Chicken Teriyaki.

We love to see people who are doing better than us suffer, because it reminds us that they too have problems and shortcomings, and we love that. What I mean is that on TV he seems like a great guy who smiles all the time and is proud that he was able to achieve something that many Americans can’t—sustained weight loss in a healthy manner. So when something came along that could corrupt his achievement, we burned him like a garlic parmesan roll in that mysterious toaster garage Subway has.

Just as appetizing as it looks

Just as appetizing as it looks

Turns out he gets his rocks off on weird shit just like the rest of us and that somehow reduces his achievements throughout the rest of his life in our eyes. It makes our problems, shortcomings, and dark thoughts feel more manageable because no one besides maybe your Ex is talking about them on Facebook—unlike Jared or Jason Pierre-Paul. And thanks to social media, it doesn’t even matter if he did it, because once you’ve been called out online, you’re guilty no matter what. No one likes a happy ending on there unless it has to do with a cute animal.

And Hamlet recovered and his album went double platinum. The End.

And Hamlet recovered and his album went double platinum. The End.

It’s like when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston broke up. Oh how we pined for those two to find peace, but we couldn’t help but know that two people who starred in movies had come to an ugly end that we got to watch it unfold front row. There aren’t many trains around any more, and no one with an above room temperature IQ can watch NASCAR, so these are the only wrecks we get to enjoy.

What also surprises me is how worked up we get when a politician or Charlie Sheen does some messed up stuff. I expect it. You know why? Because they have money and power, which is the only thing separating most of us from some of these demented antics.

Of course Anthony Wiener is going to repeatedly send pictures of his member to young girls—even after he got caught—he has power. Of course Charlie Sheen was going through more white powder than an Italian bakery and got more tail than a donkey on the wall at a birthday party. Who knows what I would do with that kind of power?

Couldn't have said it better myself

Couldn’t have said it better myself

So like the Greeks and their cathartic plays about incestual relations with their mother, we rejoice in the transgressions of celebrities, and suck down the sweet juices of their public shame like a large Coke after a delicious Subway Melt. It’s good for us so we can go about living our lives knowing these people have it tough because they have the money and power, (And in Jared’s case an unlimited supply of hoagies), that would get any of us into trouble too.

Ancient emoji uncovered from Athens circa 330 BC

So be glad you aren’t rich or powerful enough for people to care about the weird or stupid stuff you do. And If Subway is looking for a new Joe-Schmo to eat an unlimited supply of low-quality meat on bread, they know where to reach me.


To Health With It: Popular diets to torture yourself with in 2014

We’re all trying to stay positive and say that spring is right around the corner, which is good. There’s nothing wrong with a little delusion. But that means everyone will be looking for the newest health craze or diet to get them on the fast track to a stunning beach bod. So I’m here to break down some popular ones.


Let me preface this list by saying I never understood the diet craze. To me, the logic surrounding it is, “ I deprive myself of the things I enjoy so I can live longer while still not being able to enjoy them later on.” That’s like not watching Breaking Bad because watching TV is bad for you. You get to live longer and still never find out what happens to Walter White.

Without further adieu, Humor Me’s “Health Kicks 2014.”

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The Importance of Being Olympics

If you haven’t been online, watched TV, read a newspaper, or talked to another human in the past week, you may not have realized that something called the “Olympics” is going on.

People seem to either love them or hate them, but no matter what, everyone is talking about them. I’m not here to discuss whether they’re good, bad, or boring, I’m here to explain why the Olympics are a necessary occurrence for stability in this fragile and ever-changing world.


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Are You Asleep Yet?

There’s a good chance you’re reading this because you wish you were asleep, or at the very least, sleepy. That short break from consciousness that helps us replenish our life force and prepare for another day of noise, routines, and Netflix marathons. But the “Good night’s Sleep” is an elusive thing these days.

This is exactly what no one looks like when they're sleeping

This is exactly what no one looks like when they’re sleeping

Sleeping is one of the only things I can think of that is involuntary and that so many people are bad at. It’s something the body requires, but at the same time refuses to make easy. It should be simple. Lay down in bed in “jammies” and close eyes. That’s all it should take. I’d like a show of hands of everyone that falls asleep that easily:

That’s what I thought

That’s what I thought

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Cartoon Wisdom

Like most people, I spent my youth enjoying the antics of cartoon characters. Not the ones they produce these days that are intended to induce seizures, but the classics like Looney Tunes and Hannah-Barbara. And like most people, I was able to glean a few life lessons from these colorful characters that have helped shape me.

Nice Shirt

I noticed that cartoon characters often had nice shirts complimented by a complete lack of pants. I assumed this was acceptable, but apparently once you graduate college, it’s frowned upon. Way to set an example.

Quack if you hate slacks.

I say, I say, I ssssay

People who didn’t grow up in the warmth and love of cartoondom often think the reason animals can’t talk is because they don’t have the mental capacity to form words or language. That is in fact wrong. Anyone that spent any time in front of a TV on a Saturday morning understands it’s because they all have severe speech impediments. Scooby, Daffy, Bugs, Tweety and so on. All they need is some speech therapy. Am I the only one that thought Foghorn Leghorn was suffering a stroke when he struggled through a rant?

Ruh Roh. Rime Raving a Roke.

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America The Great Pt. 1

There’s been a lot of talk the past couple of months about all the problems America is facing. The American system failing and all that. Well, I’ve been busy outside enjoying myself. Now that it’s dark by lunchtime and I can only play Call of Duty for so long, I figure it’s time to address this subject. What better way than by giving you a list of reasons why I think America is still the greatest place on earth:


Nothing says America like the hot dog. We invented, we love it, it probably causes butt cancer. Yet, people chow down on these things like they were tic-tacs. Not just because they’re delicious, but also because they’re made up of all the parts no one wants. Hooves, nostrils, tails, whatever’s left. No other country was, or is capable of such a thing. America has always accepted everyone’s leftovers and came out on top, just like the hot dog. Boom.

A whole pile of America right there. Dig in.


Have you ever watched an action movie not made in America? They’re god-awful. They’re weighted down with cohesive plots, believable love interests and engaging dialogue. No Thank You. Give me explosions, dry cool wit, a love interest that can’t stand the hero until the last twenty minutes, and ludicrous amounts of kicking and punching. Stick to that formula and we’ll be A-OK.


I hope you like broken limbs.


What other country would put this in their official rulebook. No one else even thought to consider this awesome possibility. Red, White, and Blue.

We must protect ourselves.

Tune in tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion of America The Great, the top 3.

Stop And Think: Concerts

This is a new segment I would like to introduce, called “Stop and Think.” It’s about things we don’t often think about, that we should think about because we do a lot of weird things that have become commonplace. This first installment is live concerts.

I told you Kid Rock would play All Summer Long! It's a Classic!

Before I begin let me say that I love going to concerts, it’s one of my favorite things to do. It really doesn’t matter who’s playing, I’ll go see it. Case in point, I’ve seen Hanson live. I’m not even ashamed of that, I actually enjoyed the concert, but it made me realize – concerts are creepy and weird.

When you stop and think about it (See how that works) all a concert is, is a band practice. That’s it. It’s them practicing so they sound good when they record their music. For some reason we pay large sums of money to stand around with random smelly strangers, nodding our heads along to songs we just listened to in the car for free. If you’re lucky you may get involved in a form of controlled fighting called moshing, that’s about it though.

Yet we still scream our heads off when they play like maniacs. Next concert you’re at, look around after the band plays a great song (this probably won’t happen at a Guster show because they suck) and watch everyone. They’ll be jumping around and emitting noises like capuchin monkeys. It really makes you worry about the future, because some of these people will eventually or currently teachers, doctors, lawyers etc. So why do we do it?

I don’t have an official reason for why we do it, but I’m assuming it has to do with the fact that it’s something we can hold over our friends head. Because that’s an American pastime, making your friends feel like crap because you do cooler stuff than them. “You like moe. dude I’ve seen them like 5 times, you need to see them live”  I’m sure you’ve heard that, the jam band scene is full of that, which is weird, because jam bands are terrible in concert, I personally love all of the Grateful Dead’s studio albums. 5 hour concerts and you hear like 3 songs in total and they’re unrecognizable from the cd version. That’s why they do so many drugs.

What did the Phish fan say to the other when he ran out of drugs? "This band sucks"

There is no reason for us to pay more money to watch them practice than it does to listen to them. But we do and that’s funny to me. I love concerts and I realize how stupid they are, but I can’t stop going.

P.S. Here are few random thoughts on concerts and music in general:

1.) Bruce Springsteen concerts are different. They kick ass and there’s nothing wrong with going to see him live

2.) If there is a drunk annoying guy at a concert or a couple who uses the concert as an excuse to literally suck on each others faces, Murphy’s Law says they will stand right next to you. If not, you are that person and you should be ashamed.

3.) What’s up with musicians that are married or in relationships that have songs about like 6 different girls. How does that work. Ray Lamontagne has like 50 of them and I’m pretty sure he’s married. They’re all good though, which makes me think, he doesn’t mean any of this crap he’s saying yet people are still eating it up, or he’s just really trying to piss off his wife. He’s cool because he can do that.

He's got a face for radio

So next time you go to a concert, stop and think about what you’re actually doing, watching a bunch of dudes dressed strangely, practices songs they wrote to impress girls. You will probably laugh at yourself. I know I already am. Suckers.


This post is in honor of Ronnie James Dio. Long Live Rock n Roll.

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