Posts tagged ‘Humor’

You’re Not My Type

The time of year has come when people spend a lot of time thinking about the romantic entanglements they find themselves in, or don’t find themselves in. Personally, I enjoy Valentine’s Day because I love bright flowers and the candy hearts made out of chalk with funny quotes on them. But you hear a lot of single people talk about their “Type” and this always gets me thinking.

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Overcoming the Holidaze

Whether you like it or not, the holidays are upon us. There’s nowhere to hide, it’s time to push the thought of another bitter winter into the back of our heads like the epic procrastinators we are with good friends, good food, good movies like Home Alone and Ernest Saves Christmas, and wonderful new toys.

 


I personally love the upcoming month and a half. Turkey Day to New Year’s is one of my favorite stretches of time, but they can be draining with the overeating, overdrinking, and other American holiday traditions. There are some strategies I’ve employed to help me survive in relative comfort that I’d like to share with you.

 

The OverEating

It starts with turkey, mashed potatoes, and candied yams, and then moves on to ham, cookies, and whatever else you can cram down your gullet. It’s not so much advice as it is preparation you need for this aspect of the Holidaze since everyone frees themselves from the notion of healthy eating during this season without any pretense. I suggest warming up the week or two before Thanksgiving by attempting to eat a whole pizza, a wing-eating contest, or a practice turkey on your own so you don’t embarrass yourself when it comes to that big beautiful bird with bread stuff up into its posterior. By the way, the stuffing thing, was that something created by the modest and humble indigenous people of North America, or the sexually repressed puritans at the first Thanksgiving? Just wondering.

Thanksgiving

Our traditions haven’t changed too much from that first gathering

 

When it comes to Christmas cookies, I use the Noah technique, I welcome two of every confectionary treat to the warm embrace of my mouth with pure joy. Warning: If you end up going to a lot of parties, this strategy may cause you to end up looking like an Ark, so use discretion.

 

Bring me two of every kind so the lord sayeth

Bring me two of every kind so the lord sayeth

The OverDrinking

This is another tantalizing option when it comes to the holidaze, and I know what you’re thinking, “No sweat, I abuse my liver all year long.” Wrong. Not in this quantity in such a short time. Plus, the threat of copious amounts of delicious food makes it a dangerous line to walk. You try to do both to the max in order to obtain optimal holiday cheer and you’ll wind up spewing holiday cheer all over the floor—or bathroom if you’re a polite party guest.

 

Cheers to those unforgettable holiday parties that become unbearable mornings

Cheers to those unforgettable holiday parties that become unbearable mornings

Remember to limit your amount of hard liquor at parties. It goes down quickly and the most delicious liquors come into play during this time of year like Sambuca, Lemon cello, and Reindeer-flavored vodka. Be sure to limit it to the fingers on one hand. If you’re missing any fingers, feel free to give an educated guess when keeping track.

 

Office Holiday parties are where you want to be the most careful. Having been to my fair share, I’ve noticed that it’s the one thing that TV shows have truthfully depicted. All those uptight, corny weirdoes you work with become wisecracking, horny weirdoes thanks to a healthy dose of liquid courage. My advice is to drink enough to fall somewhere on the line between the two coworkers hooking up and the guy trying to moon the company photo. I’m not trying to tell you how to embarrass yourself in front of the people you work with, I’m just trying to tell you it WILL happen. Just make sure the holiday bonus isn’t the last check you receive from your company.

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Overshopping

Not to spring a Family Matters-esque lesson on you, but this one should be avoided completely. It’s not necessary to go out and spend more than you can afford on trinkets and baubles for the people you love. The key as you grow older is to enjoy the time with the people you care about, whether that’s your family or old friends. That’s the true gift.

 

In my experience, people are just happier around the holidays—more outgoing, more likely to be charitable, and just plain friendly. There’s no scientific explanation, but make sure you cherish these moments of warmth and fellowship before the long winter sets in. Those gadgets will fade away, but the memories you make will last forever, so don’t fret about what to get whom— just bring yourself. That’s all people really want… Unless you were thinking about buying me a jet ski, then by all means go ahead and put that on your Visa.

 

Just picture the smile on my face on top of this bad boy

Just picture the smile on my face on top of this bad boy

So get out there and enjoy the excesses that have been woven into the Holiday season fabric, and don’t forget to check when your favorite clay-mation Christmas movie is showing so you don’t miss it:

 

Fighting For Food

I’m here today as a voice for the voiceless. I’m not referring to pets, babies, or ghosts, but one the most exploited groups in modern society:

 

Basic Food Groups

The Food Groups

 

Every day we see pictures posted online, of food about to be consumed. It makes me sick to my stomach to see these fine comestibles paraded around and shown off before we sink our teeth in and chew mercilessly until they’re rendered unrecognizable. It is like a snuff film, showing off your prize before you destroy it.

 

Does this make you feel like a big man?

Does this make you feel like a big man?

I can only begin to speculate about the reasons for posting lewd pictures of peanut butter covered hamburgers, or bacon wrapped crème puffs. To make other’s jealous? To completely shame fried dough circles covered in glaze? To catalogue your conquest of culinary delights? Despicable.

This man is like the Larry Flynt of the food porn industry

This man is like the Larry Flynt of the food porn industry

 

What did that food ever do to you? Besides provide the necessary caloric energy to keep you upright and functioning? Why must we embarrass and denigrate it? I have no idea, but just imagine the humiliation these foods go through. Forced to submit to a perverse photo shoot of which they have no say in—unwrapped, exposed, and a disgrace to the food pyramid. We even call it Food Porn, people!

 

Well, I couldn't not post this

Well, I couldn’t not post this

You don’t care if that double bacon cheeseburger feels bloated today, or that grilled cheese with lobster and bacon bits lost his great grandcheese earlier this week. No, you have no problem parading that chili cheese dog around like a… like … like a piece of meat. Which if you do the research, a hot dog is most certainly not a piece of meat at all.

Plenty of muscle, hooves and lips for your dining pleasure

Plenty of muscle, hooves and lips for your dining pleasure

 

Just remember next time you’re ogling a hearty cut of Mexican lasagna with a gleam of insatiable lust your eyes. One day that could be your Mexican lasagna being paraded around for all of the Internet to see. What will you do then? If you remember one thing from this obscure rant about the plight of digestible entities, remember this—I can’t stop thinking about what I’m going to have for dinner and I’d like some suggestions. Bon appetit.

"Yes, give in to your Hanger" (Anger brought on by hunger)

“Yes, give in to your Hanger” (Anger brought on by hunger)

 

 

What’s In a Name

I’m worried, people. There’s an alarming trend that’s cut its way into our societal fabric. The trend in question is poor naming of just about everything around us: fads, animals, babies, apps, you name it, and it probably has a sucky name. I’m actually an expert on this subject because part of my job used to be coming up with terrible names for terrible casino promotions.

The problem is when you invent or discover something you get to name it. A fine rule in principle, and in execution when the people inventing and discovering stuff were mostly scientists. They used descriptive features and terms rooted in Latin to name things. This gave us glorious names like “Tyrannosaurus Rex” and “Fibromyalgia.” Somewhere along the line we went from that to things like “Twerking” and “Polar Vortex.” I know you think the latter is fine because it sounds sciencey. You have to realize it was coined to drum up business for the Weather Channel and it basically means “Cold Hole.” Read more…

Outta Line

I love anything that has an unwritten set of rules. Laws that everyone is taught or come to understand through experience. We have events that require this code throughout many facets of life, but the one that always gets me is the unwritten rules of the line.

 

Waiting in line is often a tortuous experience, and most places you go, or want to go to, have a line. The movies, the amusement park, the bank, the line museum, etc. The ubiquitous nature of lines required us to develop a set of laws that was universally understood, and abided by. All’s well right?

Wrong. It seems there are rebels out there hell-bent on breaking down society through acts of anarchy through line violations. I guarantee these are the same rebels who put ice cubes in their milk. I can only hope there’s a level in hell reserved for those who cavalierly violate these unalienable tenets of the line.

Line to heaven cartoon Read more…

Popular Misconceptions Vol. 1

Considering the fact that this blog is titled, “Humor Me,” it’s obvious it’s self-serving and indulgent, but occasionally I try to give back. That’s why I’m taking the time to debunk a few popular ideas that have gained traction despite being nothing more than mere myths and Hollywood hokum.

 

Single, vulnerable women attend weddings

Wedding Crashers misled an entire generation of young men who were shown a magical world where women are so emotionally charged by the public display of eternal love that they were nothing more than fresh fruit at a farmer’s market. This is patently untrue and I’ve thought about filing a class action lawsuit against them. Normal people go to weddings and normal women do not want some sauced up stranger clawing at them. Also, women rarely have trouble convincing a “Friend-zoned” guy to accompanying them to a wedding so they can avoid this situation. Like a creep force field.

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What if Dog was one of us: A dog’s life

Dogs are great, aren’t they? I don’t have anything against other pets, but there’s something about dogs that make them such great pets. There’s one for every personality type: lazy, outdoorsy, fancy, or just really tiny.

 

Well, now I've got your attention

Well, now I’ve got your attention

What interests me is how we interact with our dogs. It seems like we treat them like human children for the most part, which is misguided. It’s not wrong, it’s just not necessary. First off, they’re not humans, they’re animals, dogs to be specific. They’re evolved forms of wolves, yet we coddle them like they were our own progeny.

 

Believe it or not, I came up with this idea before I found this picture

Believe it or not, I came up with this idea before I found this picture

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