Posts tagged ‘hungry’

Fighting For Food

I’m here today as a voice for the voiceless. I’m not referring to pets, babies, or ghosts, but one the most exploited groups in modern society:


Basic Food Groups

The Food Groups


Every day we see pictures posted online, of food about to be consumed. It makes me sick to my stomach to see these fine comestibles paraded around and shown off before we sink our teeth in and chew mercilessly until they’re rendered unrecognizable. It is like a snuff film, showing off your prize before you destroy it.


Does this make you feel like a big man?

Does this make you feel like a big man?

I can only begin to speculate about the reasons for posting lewd pictures of peanut butter covered hamburgers, or bacon wrapped crème puffs. To make other’s jealous? To completely shame fried dough circles covered in glaze? To catalogue your conquest of culinary delights? Despicable.

This man is like the Larry Flynt of the food porn industry

This man is like the Larry Flynt of the food porn industry


What did that food ever do to you? Besides provide the necessary caloric energy to keep you upright and functioning? Why must we embarrass and denigrate it? I have no idea, but just imagine the humiliation these foods go through. Forced to submit to a perverse photo shoot of which they have no say in—unwrapped, exposed, and a disgrace to the food pyramid. We even call it Food Porn, people!


Well, I couldn't not post this

Well, I couldn’t not post this

You don’t care if that double bacon cheeseburger feels bloated today, or that grilled cheese with lobster and bacon bits lost his great grandcheese earlier this week. No, you have no problem parading that chili cheese dog around like a… like … like a piece of meat. Which if you do the research, a hot dog is most certainly not a piece of meat at all.

Plenty of muscle, hooves and lips for your dining pleasure

Plenty of muscle, hooves and lips for your dining pleasure


Just remember next time you’re ogling a hearty cut of Mexican lasagna with a gleam of insatiable lust your eyes. One day that could be your Mexican lasagna being paraded around for all of the Internet to see. What will you do then? If you remember one thing from this obscure rant about the plight of digestible entities, remember this—I can’t stop thinking about what I’m going to have for dinner and I’d like some suggestions. Bon appetit.

"Yes, give in to your Hanger" (Anger brought on by hunger)

“Yes, give in to your Hanger” (Anger brought on by hunger)




The Honor System

We as a society have become an untrustworthy bunch. We have locks on everything, our cars, our bikes, our houses, and even our cell phones. We get nervous if a stranger looks at us. Or, perhaps my favorite, when you’re driving in a residential neighborhood, and the car behind you makes more than one of the turns that you just made. All of a sudden, it’s like the Italian Job and you’re thinking of ways to ditch this psycho.

Looks like all those Jason Statham movies weren't for nothing.

Looks like all those Jason Statham movies weren’t for nothing.

We’re also paranoid about what we eat. Lookout for gluten. Lookout for artificial sugar. Lookout for trans-fats. Whatever, I get it, you care about what goes into your body. I care too, about whether it tastes like it’s making sex to my mouth. Furthermore, you care about where it comes from. You don’t want a cow that suffered any indecencies or discomfort in life, right up until it’s hacked to pieces. That’s great. But for some reason, as a neurotic, paranoid, untrusting civilization, we’ve somehow managed to let the honor system survive in a place most unexpected:


We’ve all seen this sign when out dining and nature calls. And while honor has gone the way of the dodo, more or less, it survives in the shittiest place – the bathroom. Did you ever think about this? All that stands between you and the unsanitary preparation of your food is a miniscule sign. That’s it. That’s all you get. A tiny plaque that declares, “Employees MUST wash hands.”

We all seem to think this sign is effective. That because the sign says they MUST, that they undoubtedly do. But do you always stop properly at a stop sign, or only take one free sample?

However, Free Samples does in fact suggest plurality...

However, Free Samples does in fact suggest plurality…

Let that sink in. While you do, remember that this paranoia is only exacerbated by the fact that you almost never see an employee using the restroom, so you can’t even protect yourself. We’re helpless.

This sign is based on the basic principle that we are a thoughtful and decent race of beings with faith in each other – and as my intro pointed out, we absolutely do not believe for a second. So we leave the compliance of cleansing bathroom bacteria to a plastic disclaimer. I guess they could put a camera in there to enforce the policy, but I’m pretty sure that would cause more problems than it solves.

Have I made you self-conscious about your local dining establishment yet? Think about this, do you know somebody that puts a security alarm sticker in their front window even though they don’t have the security system? Sure you do. These people are just covering their bases.

When was the last time someone referred to their house as premises?

When was the last time someone referred to their house as premises?

And the hand washing sign is no different than that sticker. Or the stop sign. Or free samples, or the “don’t download music illegally” sign.

Yet, the honor system continues to live in the most unlikely and unfathomable place. The bathroom. Next time you’re scrubbing the germs away, make sure you look for the sign, because it’s your only protection from what lurks beyond the walls of sanitization. If you don’t see it?

Bon Appetit

Bon Appetit

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