Posts tagged ‘Nick Jiorle’

The Babe Situation

Hey Babe! Can you come here a minute?

Glad I’ve got your attention. There’s an interesting trend I’ve noticed in modern society that has long baffled me, and that’s the use of the name “Babe” as a term of endearment towards a significant other. Now, there’s nothing wrong with the term, I have many good friends who use it for their better half.


Some Babe on Babe action


But perhaps that’s also the problem? The fact that it’s used so often that it has no meaning anymore.

To me, it doesn’t actually describe anything about the person, and that’s what a pet name is supposed to do. It’s an expression of the way you feel towards that person, or the way they make you feel. Looking at it that way, Babe only makes sense if your love interest reminds you of a talking pig, or a drunk baseball player who smoked cigars and hit a lot of homers. Babe feels like a cop out.

Unless you consider your friend a real "Home Run" God, that's terrible

Unless you consider your friend a real “Home Run.” God, that’s terrible

In my poor, limited experience in love, I always felt it made sense to develop unique names for each person. Basically because they were in fact unique people, different from each other who made me feel different ways—and their nicknames reflected that. I didn’t reinvent the wheel in the process, I just relied on simple, basic emotions that this person brought out in me. That’s why my love interests garnered names like Pumpkin, Sunshine, She Beast, and Crazy Train. (The last one was because she really loved the band Train)

Sadly, she's back in the atmosphere. Most likely with drops of Jupiter in her hair.

Sadly, she’s back in the atmosphere. Most likely with drops of Jupiter in her hair.

This kept it interesting and ensured one wouldn’t remind me of another. But I’ve known people who would call their mate “Babe,” and then when that relationship sputtered out and a new one was kindled, they’d call that person Babe—and so on and so on without stopping. Doesn’t this strike anyone as odd? We don’t do that with our pets. When your dog Sparky dies you don’t go out and find a different dog that looks nothing like that bitch Jenny, I mean Sparky, and also name it Sparky? No, because that’s ridiculous and you don’t want to confuse the two. So why would you do it for your potential soul mate? At least give them Roman numerals so they sound like a Pope or something.

Sparky  loves me so much more than other Sparky did

I’d like you all to meet Sparky the IX

In my head I see a hilarious scenario much like at a playground when a child screams, “Mom” and all the mothers look up. Except it’s a dinner party and a girl calls out “Babe,” and all the dough-eyed fellas attentively look up like frightened rabbits.

"Bros, don't make any sudden moves."

“Bros… don’t make any sudden moves.”

There’s nothing wrong with Babe in my book. It’s a perfectly suitable name for your main squeeze—just not every main squeeze you have along the way. A little creativity goes a long way to making your significant other feel like he or she is better than the duds and losers you’ve dated in the past, but that’s up to, Sugar.

That, or we make it a pronoun meaning, “One who is in a serious relationship where the Royal We is used for just about everything.”

Your call, America.

After all, it is the Land of the Free, and the Home of the Babe

After all, it is the Land of the Free, and the Home of the Babe


Broke is A Joke

People of my generation have heard that we came of age in a desperate time where a “good job” was the stuff of legend and student debt was the norm. It most certainly left its imprint on our psyche and has given us a unique perspective on wealth. Now more than ever, it’s not only socially acceptable, but quite chic to say, “I’m broke.”

This is not the brokeness of our parents’ generation, or our grandparents. There’s was a real brokeness, not an excuse not to do something we don’t want to do. My parents wore homemade clothes throughout their childhoods, and even occasionally had to limit the amount of food each person got at dinner, and they weren’t even the worst off. Let’s not get into the Golden Generation and the abject poverty they saw. Compared to what past generations have seen, our brokeness is one of mere convenience. This is not a condemnation of our generation—let me explain.

How did everyone in the Great Depression still afford to shop at American Apparel?

How did everyone in the Great Depression still afford to shop at American Apparel?

Back in the day, no one admitted to being too broke to do something. You didn’t announce you were a poor kid. You buried that deep inside and worked until you could show off how much money you finally made. Now you hear the term “broke” thrown around quite often, mostly at designer boutiques, Whole Foods, and upscale watering holes. We complain about debt and about how we have to pay our own bills, as we sip on marked-up vodka drinks.

I’m not trying to say we don’t face serious financial difficulties as young Americans. We work hard and make very little with little chance of advancement for a long time, but we’re merely conveniently poor as opposed to destitute. What I mean is we forgo creature comforts and occasionally necessities so we can get drunk and have fun on the weekends. That my friends is a choice.

Nothing says pinching pennies like a $10 cocktail

Nothing says pinching pennies like a $10 cocktail

  • To my generation, $20 in the gas tank is a burden, but $20 at the bar is a bargain.
  • $50 parking ticket is a travesty, $50 ticket to see Soundgarden is a necessity.

I include myself in this category. I complain about having insufficient funds and buy the lowest grade lunchmeat. You know, the turkey meat that’s always wet as if it just got done with a soak in a Turkish bath. (Pause and wait for everyone to stop laughing at that pun)

I question the description. Perhaps New Dheli Fresh is more like it

New Dheli Fresh is more like it

People make it seem like having enough quarters to do laundry is equivalent to building a solid retirement portfolio, but god forbid you go without a cup of Starbucks in the morning. We’re not broke. We like to say we are and even portray that we are. Imagine how this way of thinking will serve us once we actually do take power (If we ever feel like it).

Our infrastructure is crumbling? Have to wait a little bit—I heard Dave is going back on tour this summer. There’s a shortage of potable water here in our advanced nation? We’ll get to that after we all get a taste of this croissant and donut merger everyone’s talking about. The Russians are engaging in aggressive tactical maneuvers? WE don’t have time for that because OITNB just got uploaded. Just buy them a shot. Of what? I’d say vodka but that would not be politically correct to assume they’d naturally choose a flavorless disgusting version of rubbing alcohol.

Just kidding. Everyone knows they love that garbage

Just kidding. Everyone knows they love that garbage

You can see I’ve thought about this way too much, as I sit here with an empty refrigerator and a belly full of beer. They always say it’s the little things in life that make it worthwhile. And last time I checked a mug of beer was a lot smaller than my car insurance, so bottoms up!


What’s In a Name

I’m worried, people. There’s an alarming trend that’s cut its way into our societal fabric. The trend in question is poor naming of just about everything around us: fads, animals, babies, apps, you name it, and it probably has a sucky name. I’m actually an expert on this subject because part of my job used to be coming up with terrible names for terrible casino promotions.

The problem is when you invent or discover something you get to name it. A fine rule in principle, and in execution when the people inventing and discovering stuff were mostly scientists. They used descriptive features and terms rooted in Latin to name things. This gave us glorious names like “Tyrannosaurus Rex” and “Fibromyalgia.” Somewhere along the line we went from that to things like “Twerking” and “Polar Vortex.” I know you think the latter is fine because it sounds sciencey. You have to realize it was coined to drum up business for the Weather Channel and it basically means “Cold Hole.” Read more…

Outta Line

I love anything that has an unwritten set of rules. Laws that everyone is taught or come to understand through experience. We have events that require this code throughout many facets of life, but the one that always gets me is the unwritten rules of the line.


Waiting in line is often a tortuous experience, and most places you go, or want to go to, have a line. The movies, the amusement park, the bank, the line museum, etc. The ubiquitous nature of lines required us to develop a set of laws that was universally understood, and abided by. All’s well right?

Wrong. It seems there are rebels out there hell-bent on breaking down society through acts of anarchy through line violations. I guarantee these are the same rebels who put ice cubes in their milk. I can only hope there’s a level in hell reserved for those who cavalierly violate these unalienable tenets of the line.

Line to heaven cartoon Read more…

Popular Misconceptions Vol. 1

Considering the fact that this blog is titled, “Humor Me,” it’s obvious it’s self-serving and indulgent, but occasionally I try to give back. That’s why I’m taking the time to debunk a few popular ideas that have gained traction despite being nothing more than mere myths and Hollywood hokum.


Single, vulnerable women attend weddings

Wedding Crashers misled an entire generation of young men who were shown a magical world where women are so emotionally charged by the public display of eternal love that they were nothing more than fresh fruit at a farmer’s market. This is patently untrue and I’ve thought about filing a class action lawsuit against them. Normal people go to weddings and normal women do not want some sauced up stranger clawing at them. Also, women rarely have trouble convincing a “Friend-zoned” guy to accompanying them to a wedding so they can avoid this situation. Like a creep force field.

Read more…

What if Dog was one of us: A dog’s life

Dogs are great, aren’t they? I don’t have anything against other pets, but there’s something about dogs that make them such great pets. There’s one for every personality type: lazy, outdoorsy, fancy, or just really tiny.


Well, now I've got your attention

Well, now I’ve got your attention

What interests me is how we interact with our dogs. It seems like we treat them like human children for the most part, which is misguided. It’s not wrong, it’s just not necessary. First off, they’re not humans, they’re animals, dogs to be specific. They’re evolved forms of wolves, yet we coddle them like they were our own progeny.


Believe it or not, I came up with this idea before I found this picture

Believe it or not, I came up with this idea before I found this picture

Read more…

Science: More than just a class you forgot about

If there’s one area that I’m 100% unqualified to discuss, it is science.  Now in my defense, I have a community college biology class under my belt so I’m really only 99.9% (.1% margin of error of course) unqualified to elaborate on science– so let’s begin.

Read more…

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